Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....


In memory of Scruffy, who was in our home for a week and will be in our hearts forever.

Post Christmas blahs

I've got a touch of the post Christmas blahs. It's normal for me so I'm not worried.

We did get a dog last weekend! He's the cutest little guy, estimated at about 8 or 9 mos old. He's a beagle/schnauzer mix, or so they think. DS loves him! His name is Scruffy.



Poor Scruffy has been feeling a little under the weather the last couple days. We think he's got Kennel Cough and the vet gave us some meds for him. He's now giving me a hard time about taking the pills so he's feeling better, though not 100%. The coughing is much less than it was too. I feel so bad for him as I know he's not comfortable!

In other news, DH is having the cyst removed tomorrow. I wish I could be there with him. I'm very nervous for him. He agreed to ask them to biopsy it, which is good. Part of me can't help wondering if this might be the reason we've had trouble getting pg the last year or so. Guess we'll have our answers soon enough.

200 Posts Prove My Insanity

I just realized that this is my 200th post! OMG, how on earth did I do that?! I've never been one for "journaling", though I've tried on a number of occasions. I guess because this doesn't really seem like journaling.

Anyway, there's not much new going on here lately. Just trudging along and counting the days til DH comes home. I'm actually glad I have this place because there is something DH told me that has me a little worried. He'd kill me for putting this out there but it's not exactly something you can talk about with family, iykwim.

He went to the "clinic" the other day because he's having pain in his back that is radiating from his testicle. He's always had this "bump" and has had it checked several times and each time the dr has said, it's just a cyst. So I guess the pain got to be too much for him over the last couple weeks and he finally went in. They did an ultrasound and the tech said it's "just a cyst" but they are going to send him to another medical facility to have it removed. He didn't know whether they were going to have it biopsied - I want him to request it to be sure we aren't dealing with something more serious. Whether he will or not is another story. Sigh!

DS is very excited for Christmas. I'm seriously thinking about getting a dog(yes I'm crazy that way). My husband has a "thing". Life doesn't get much better than this....

5 Years Ago Today

I was sitting in a hospital bed in L&D anxiously awaiting the arrival of my DS. I was up most of the night but in very little pain thanks to the epi:-)

Tonight I'm up again and DS is right next to me after kind of a rough night. Not sick just not sleeping well.

I'm so lucky to be his mommy. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy my little angel boy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

There's so much to be thankful for this past year I don't know where to start so I'll just list a few things...

DS is almost 5 and the sweetest little boy. He's happy and healthy, what more could I wish for.

My DH is safe despite having to deal with PTSD, difficult work conditions and being sent back into a war zone.

We have a beautiful new home despite the econonmic difficulties going on right now.

Now if I could only get some sleep.....

Randomness

There has been so much going on the last 4 weeks that time has completely gone past me!

We've been in our house for a month now. A MONTH! I can't believe it. I do have pics but need to find the cable to get them downloaded. I promise I will look for it this weekend:-)

DH has come and gone, and gone. He's somewhere between the east coast of the US and the Middle East as we speak. The Army did let him come home for a few days last week and it was wonderful! DS was so happy to see him and spent the entire time following him like a little shadow. I wish there was a way to make this easier on him.

Work is work. I'm not so overwhelmed as I was but it's always something new every day.

So, nothing "exciting" happening, just plodding along and getting thru each day. Now if I can just shake this cold DH left behind....

Remembering

To my angels...I miss you and love you with all my heart. I will always wonder who you would have become if you'd stayed with us.

I'm thinking of all those who have lost their babies to miscarriage or after their birth.

It's Been How Long?!

OMG! I can't believe it's been a month since my last post - a very busy month. Let's see...

DH is now at his training post on the east coast. He's been gone for a little over a week now and it's been tough. DS is missing Daddy very much, as am I. We did have a "romantic" get away weekend before he left. We got a hotel room for Fri and Sat night and scheduled some family time as well as spending some time together before he left. It was nice.

The new job is going well, keeping me very busy. I've learned so much I've got information leaking out of my ears!

I suppose part of the reason I've kept so busy lately is because I should be welcoming home a new little baby and getting adjusted to having two kids. My due date with my last pg was the 20th of Sept. Instead I'm trying very hard not to dwell on what should be and focus on the good in our lives. It doesn't help that DS has developed a fascination with babies lately.

I'm going to admit to doing something many people will consider foolish but it really did help me feel better. There is a man named James VanPraagh who is a "psychic" I've followed for many years. He's best known for communicating with those who have crossed over. If you are a fan of the tv show Ghost Whisperer you know who I'm talking about (it's based on his work). Anyway, he was on the radio a couple weeks ago with some local personalities and I managed to call in and talk to him. He said he felt I would be pg again. I know some would say it's false hope but it really did help me reaffirm my decision to just let things happen this year and see where we end up.

The final piece of good news is about our house. We got final approval on our loan and will be closing on the 16th of the month! I'm so freaking excited!! What a load off my mind about that as well. I promise to post some pics this weekend.

Reflecting

It's amazing how easy it is to drop out of touch with friends, at least for me. I had a great conversation with one of my sisters today - one I haven't talked to since before Christmas. I love her, we just have very busy lives these days and I haven't had a chance to spend time with her in a while. She's got a very energetic 2yo and I've had a very busy schedule this past year.

Amazingly we ended up talking for almost an hour today! She and her husband have been going thru some TTC "stuff" and we commiserated. It felt good and helped me actually vocalize what I've been thinking - I'm going to just let things unfold this year and re-evaluate our situation once DH gets home next fall.

As for the new job, it's keeping me busy! I can't take my cell phone in (security reasons) and can't get online while at work (again security) but that's ok. There is so much work to do and stuff to learn that there is no way I'd have time for playing on the boards. It's very interesting work and I'm learning so much. By the end of the day I feel like I'm leaking information out my ears! LOL!

Up to Me

So, DH and I had a not so long conversation the day before yesterday about whether or not to continue TTC. Basically he's left it all up to me to decide if/when I've had enough. Of course, it's kind of hard to really talk when you are sitting in a bar with a bunch of people sitting around you listening to all the conversations in the immediate area. Sigh!

I'm leaning toward just relaxing and letting whatever happens happen for now. If DH is home at the right time this cycle then great, if not then maybe next cycle, or in the spring when he's home for R&R. Once he gets home then we can revisit the conversation if we need to.

Here is the conversation that goes on in my brain...I know that many women have gotten pg and had perfectly healthy babies after 40. I just can't help but feel like we are pushing our luck though. I mean, after the last m/c and all the drama that went along with that can I really go thru it again if something goes wrong? And I'd have to do it w/o DH...

OK, so I'm pretty much ready to be committed now. The only question is, do they have those cute little white coats in my size?

Moving Right Along

Wow! We have a house! This was taken on 8/7. The house next to us, that you can sort of see, was started about 2 weeks before ours. I'm so flocking excited:-)

Sorry the quality of the pic isn't that great. I forgot my digital camera so had to use my phone.

Almost 40

Yup, believe it or not, I'm almost 40. Normally birthdays don't mean much to me. It's just a number after all, right? But this year it's more than that - it's the end of my time TTC another child. And I'm not sure I can stick to my resolution to move on once Dec 20 rolls around.

After all, it's not like we've had all of the last 5 years to continuously try for another baby. And it's not like we'll have the next 4 mos to keep trying. DH is starting his training this month and, while he'll be in the same state he'll be gone more than he'll be home. I can't count on him being here "when it's time", kwim?

I can't help feeling gyped! It's not fair that I don't get that time! It's not fair! It's not fair!

And in the back of my mind I keep thinking, if I bend my "rule" a little and we let ourselves slide one more year then we'll at least have DH's R&R (possibly) and the 3 mos once he gets back to try.

But do I really want to run that risk? Who's to say that my body hasn't already started shutting down the baby factory?! Look what has happened already this year. And how am I ever going to apologize to my DS for not being able to give him the little brother he wants.

Foundation

So we almost have a foundation now! We stopped by to show my SIL and BIL the dirt and were shocked to see that the houses next to us on both sides have almost been completely framed out! The lot directly next to us has also been sold and we were happy to find out it is a single story as well. Woohoo!!!

House Update and More

So, we got our permits back about a week ago. Now we are waiting for construction to begin! DH drove by on Saturday and said they had staked out the foundation, but didn't take any pics. My SIL is coming in on Friday so I'm sure we'll be taking a trip out on Saturday to see the house so I'll get pics then;-)

Last weekend was a little overwhelming for me. DH had his last drill weekend before they begin training for the deployment. DS and I went on Sunday because they were doing family briefings on what we need to get done and what is going to happen. Not much in the way of solid dates, etc yet. So much paperwork to do! And of course it was pretty emotional too. I didn't let DH see me cry though. I'm so nervous about this, even though we've done this before.

I could use some "find a new full time job quickly" vibes. I really would like to get a straight out full time job. As much as I love working at the zoo, working two jobs has been tough. I think my body has finally said ENOUGH because I've now got a horrible head cold.

Our Dirt

We did decide to go with the new build house. We signed the contract on Saturday and hopefully the permits will be done quickly. It's been averaging 28 days - not too bad but we'd like to get going ASAP.

So, here's our dirt! The houses behind the fence are on the other side of the street and there are no houses going to be built right in front of us as there's a common area. We got a pretty good lot! I'll bore you with update pics as the building process goes along;-)

House Update and More

My mom has now moved in with us. This is in prep for DH leaving. She will be staying with us until he gets back, most likely. It's all good. We get along well and it will be nice to have some help with DS while DH is gone. All the Army's plans still call for him to be overseas by mid to late Oct.

As for the house, well, we still haven't found a re-sell house that we like. We thought about bidding on one of the ones from the week before last but it was going to end up out of our price range.

So, we took a look at some new build houses. I was very impressed and we will most likely go that route. The only down side is going to be that the house won't be ready til Oct at the earliest. Sigh! DH will be long gone and we'll have to hire a mover to help with the big stuff.

Venting

Why is it that men are so dense? I mean seriously! I really wish we were like some species in the animal kingdom that can reproduce without actually needing the help of a male. Then I wouldn't be subject to the "I'm tired" and "You never want to when I want to" bull shit.

So today, well technically yesterday, I was going to get the bd fest going. It's kind of hard to do when your 4yo decides to fight going to sleep but I waited patiently until DH was done being suckered into one more story.

Finally, when DS had calmed down enough to even think about any bding, DH decides that he is more interested in working on the computer. What the hell?! And, the best part, he actually said "How come you only want to when it's time to ovulate and not when I want to?" Oh....my....God! So that effectively ended that! I was so pissed I said fine, whatever, and went to bed.

To answer your question, dumbass, it's not that it's never when you want to, it's that you are too tired, or it's the wrong time of day (?!), or the idea of being pawed at when you decide to come stumbling to bed at 4am and I have to be up at 6am for work just isn't going to cut it! I just want to scream!

And, so now I'm up at 3am with O pains, knowing that my sisters and my mother will be decending on us starting tomorrow and no chance in sight for this cycle. Not even an outside chance.

Just fucking great! This leaves us one cycle left before DH is deployed. Sigh! I'm less and less hopeful that baby number 2 is going to happen.

House 2 Update

So, house 2 wasn't much better. Actually, the house was ok, it was the neighborhood that was the problem. Sigh! It was showing some water damage on the outside of the house but I loved the space in the kitchen!

We have 12 more houses we've asked to see. Hopefully one of them will be the right mix of house and neighborhood.

House Hunt Update 1

I'm sure you'll all be bored to tears by the time we finally find a house, lol!

So we only got to see one of the houses today. The first one we were supposed to see we had to reschedule. The resident's child was sick. OK, fine, I understand a sick kid and not wanting to take them out.

The second house was a disappointment, to say the least. It would have been perfect had the previous owner not decided to convert the garage into the 4th "bedroom" and leave holes in the walls of said room. Yup, big gaping holes. And who knows if they actually got the necessary permits for the conversion of the garage. The tile floors and bathroom fixtures were pretty beat up and the ceiling fans all need to be replaced, as does the carpet in the entire house. Sigh! And that's just the starat of the things in the notes we made after we left. This house was built in 2003. The realtor was just as shocked as we were at the condition of the house. The listing didn't fully disclose the condition of the house. And, it's lender owned so there's no guarantee it would be fixed up if we wanted to buy the house.

This isn't as shining a start to this process as I'd hoped. I need to see if we can get out an look at a few more over the weekend.

Night Time Success

So, we've now gone a week with no pullups and so far so good (knock on wood!). I'm so glad. The whole night time potty training thing was, and still is, a worry for me and DH. DH will kill me for posting this but he had some "issues" until he was well into grade school. I know it's a relief to him that DS seems to be having a pretty easy time of potty training.

Tomorrow we go see the two houses I mentioned the other day. I can't wait! I'm so excited.

The First Steps

So, we've gotten the house buying show on the road. We got our pre-approval amount from the lender and I've already been scowering the websites to see what houses might be available in our price range. I sent two to the realtor today:-) I can't wait to go see them! I hope they look as good in person (or better of course)!

In other news, DS is in the process of night time potty training. I know, he's 4.5 years old (OMG!) and should have been out of pullups already but I'm a wussy, lol! So we've had two nights without an accident. I'm hoping this is a permanent thing. I know there may be accidents along the way but we're off to a good start!

She's Here!

The most wonderful news I could have gotten today was that Sher and Mike are holding their sweet baby girl Megan in their arms as we speak. I'm so incredibly happy for them:-) She is healthy and both she and her Mommy are doing wonderfully.

Things are right with the world right now.

A Big Day

Tomorrow, Thursday the 29th, is a big day for an OL friend. She is going to be giving birth to her DD "Gummy". I'm so very excited for her and her husband. This is their second child. Their first, Ryan, was born with heart defects. You can read their story by following the Sherry link under my blog stalking spots.

Sher, my fellow oldster, I'm sending all the PPT I can muster for you and Mike. I know you must be so nervous and excited tonight. I can't wait to meet your little Gummy!

Memorial Day

It's been a wonderful day with DH and DS. We went to lunch and then to play a round of miniature golf. DS had a blast, as I knew he would.

And in the back of my mind I couldn't help letting that thought come thru...the possibility that next year we could be spending it at the national cemetary. I hate when those thoughts come sneaking in. I feel like I'm jinxing DH in some way. I just pray that he comes home safely, along with everyone over there.

Freak Out

No, there's nothing wrong with DS or DH. I'm admitting here that I'm a little freaked out, and very excited, about beginning the search for our house. I can't wait to get out of this apartment. It's nice but small and I don't care for the management team. They are completely clueless! And, I'm tired of worrying about what the neighbors can hear, and what we are hearing from the neighbors. But with the economy the way it is I'm pretty nervous. I just need to learn to trust that all will be ok. We know our limitations and won't get sucked in to more than we can afford.

Now, some easy house hunting vibes would be appreciated.

Happy Mother's Day

I have to work tomorrow so I'll wish all my friends a Happy Mother's Day today. I'm thinking of you all and I hope you are showered with love and lots of attention tomorrow. You all are such wonderful Mommies and I learn so much from you.

And for those Mommies who are not able to hold their children and be showered with their sweet kisses first thing in the morning, I wish you a peaceful day. I know your babies are looking down at you and are with you always.

Disney Pics - As Promised

Here they are! Enjoy!


Disneyland 2008

Catching Up

Wow! Where has the time gone? Ok, so most of it was spent in DL since the last time I blogged. I can't think of a better way to spend time than in DL, can you? ;-)

Our trip went really well, considering DH complained about the crowds the whole first day we were there. I mean really, it could have been worse - we could have done this in July! We had a great time and did everything we wanted to do in both parks. DS had a fabulous time riding rides and meeting Mickey Mouse. I thought he was going to bust a gut when we finally got to take a pic with Mickey. It made the whole trip worth while! I do have pics and will get them posted eventually. I need to "massage" them a little and then I'll get them put on the boards, I promise.

The ttc front is nothing new to report. I'm thinking I'm in the 2ww now, though I think the travelling and the cold I've been fighting off could possibly push O back a few days. We're getting some extra bding in, just in case. I know that's tmi but what can you expect;-)

Honestly, things have been good the last couple weeks. DS is really getting to be independent and cracks me up at least once a day. I love that little boy so much and I just have to focus on that. All else will sort itself out.

Quiet Days

I can't believe I've had nothing to say for almost 2 weeks. Life's not that boring, really!

In a few days we're going to Disneyland. DS is so looking forward to meeting Mickey Mouse. He's become obsessed with Mickey! He's also tall enough to ride most of the rides:-) The kid is going to be in heaven. And I must admit I'm looking forward to this trip. It will be nice to have some time with DH and DS.

Another Guardian Angel

I found out today that my great aunt, my favorite grandmother's sister, passed this morning. I'm so sad. She was a wonderful woman who stepped in and filled the gap when my grandmother passed away 20 years ago. She and my grandmother were very close. I hope that my grandmother was there to help her cross over - I'm sure she was. And now I can see them sitting at a table, having some coffee and laughing and laughing while they are catching up on all that has happened. No one in heaven will sleep tonight, lol.

I love you Auntie Louise!

Flashback

Did you ever have one of "those" moments where you are happily plodding along at life and then you hear a song and WHAM!?

Well, I did this past weekend. I'm standing at the wedding reception on Saturday night and the dj plays a song that reminds me of an ex. It was "our song" and I have some how managed to avoid hearing it for over 10 years. So, I danced with DH;-)

Today, I had some extra time at the end of the day so I used one of the tools I have at one of my jobs and looked him up. Just for fun. From what I can tell he's married. What I find interesting, in a good way, is that I didn't have that gut jerking reaction I thought I would.

And, yes, I'm a little embarrassed to admit I looked him up. But hey, wouldn't you?

Family Time

So we went to ABQ to help a friend of DH celebrate his wedding. It was a much better weekend than I thought it would be. The wedding was beautiful! DS actually did really well considering that his schedule was completely off.

The best part was being able to spend time with DH and DS. We had several days in a row without work or other commitments getting in the way. It was wonderful! I just wish it could have lasted a little longer. Ah, well. Next trip maybe.

I'm feeling very tired and am going to hit the hay now that I've gotten all my blog surfing done.

Balm for a Weary Soul

It comes in many forms. For some people it's religion, for some it's sex, for some it's music, you get the idea.

For me, it comes in a little styrofoam cup and is called a chocolate cream pie shake. It's been a long couple of weeks and I needed that little bit of chocolaty goodness on a Friday night.

Catching Up

It's been a really long week since my last post.

We had company come in from out of state. I like these people in small amounts of time but to have all of them staying in our little apt for 4.5 days was almost too much for me. Thank the stars I had to work most of the time! Any visit with them inevitably leads to at least one argument between me and DH. They are friends of his from way back and he tends to revert to his 18yo self around them. It makes me crazy and we had a knock down, drag out fight about it last week.

All is better now but we still have some underlying issues to deal with. I've been dragging my feet about it but we need to find "an impartial 3rd party" to talk to. I think we just need to learn how to fight constructively.

Then, add to that a potentially serious incident at work. I always worried about something like this happening. I've literally had nightmares about one of the animals involved. Luckily all safety measures worked like they were supposed to and no one got hurt - neither people or animals. It's the side of my job I don't like to dwell on, and I'm not even a "front line" responder in this kind of incident.

And today I get a call that one of the animals I spend time with every day passed away. He was young, only a year and a half, and so sweet - well, sweet for an otter. So playful and full of life. I'm numb and have a ton of questions, most of which may never be answered unfortunately. And, as a mother, I wonder if his mother is even aware of what has happened. They live together so I'm sure there is some kind of awareness that he's not there. I feel bad for her, and for his keepers.

So much sadness and stress in such a short time frame. Luckily I have a little clown of a DS to help get thru it. He's getting so big! He's now washing his own hair in the bath. He does a pretty good job of it too!

Long Time No Post

To all my "avid readers", I must first say I'm sorry for disappearing for almost a month. Life, as it happens, gets in the way of even the best intentions of posting.

A belated birthday wish, and a couple of shout outs....

First, a VERY Happy 3rd Birthday to Thomas, one of our TTCGrads angels. I hope you and your Mommy and Daddy had a good day. I know they wish you were here celebrating with them. I think of you so often. You will never know how you have changed so very many people's lives.

Congrats to S, my fellow oldster, on making the 3T! I'm so flocking excited for you and M:-)

And a huge hug to N and J who have had a rough go lately.

Can you tell I'm just catching up on my blog-surfing?

As for me and how we are doing at our house, well, that's a post for another day. There's just too much and I'm too tired to rehash it right now. I'm off to see if I can talk DS into going to sleep.

Did You Know

that you can't make a waiting room full of pregnant women disappear no matter how long you keep your eyes closed?

I think I've developed a pavlovian response to my obgyn's office. I wasn't in there five minutes today and I was bawling - again. Sigh!

Dinner Last NIght

It's funny how, when you think you are doing great, you end up realizing you are nowhere near as great as you feel.

Last night DH took me out to dinner. Kind of a late valentine's day dinner. Anyway, we get there and all hell breaks loose. I'm not sure when it started exactly - probably when he decided to pick a fight over the stupid appetizer (as in which one he wanted). And it just got worse from there, culminating in the hostess seating a very pg woman and her family right across from us. I couldn't keep from crying. About the only good thing is, it wasn't an ugly cry. Now THAT would have been embarrassing. Luckily, at this point, we were about done anyway. I chose dessert and then we left.

Don't get me wrong, I love my DH. He just doesn't always seem to be able to get when it's not ok to have a fight - like in public when there's a waiter wanting to take our order.

How To Give Yourself A Headache

I figured it out today - the best way to do this is to go to Babies R Us a week after you've had a d&c, just before lunch and take your hungry 4yo with you.

It's not that I'm a particularly sadistic person. I had to go shopping for a baby shower present for my cousin and his wife. I can't tell you how glad I was to get out of that store. I think I was out of there in record time. I just kept my head down and focused on the registry list. Actually, I did pretty well until I had to pick a card to go with the present. Then I lost it in the little card/wrapping paper section of the store. Not bad really, considering.

Oh, and the cure for said headache? A double-double with grilled onions, fries, a Dr. Pepper AND a chocolate milkshake;-)

Post D&C Update

So I'm two days post d&c and "so far so good". I'm feeling ok, a little crampy but that's to be expected I guess.

Honestly, though we have talked about TTC again as soon as possible, I'm feeling a little gun shy. I'm sure that's also normal. I know I may be putting the cart before the horse but I can't help being very anxious about what will happen with the next pg. I mean, now the anxiety I feel walking into the u/s room is so very different than it was before. Before it was a happy anxious, now I feel dread just thinking about it.

I am going to start looking into accupuncture and TCM (traditional chinese medicine). I've got a couple of places I want to look into over the next couple of weeks. Even if it does nothing more than help me relax I'm sure that will help.

Coming to an End

Well, the numbers are back from the last hcg - 6102 or something along those lines. They are dropping but very slowly. The test was 3 days after the one before it. Not much of a drop considering. So, given that and that I'm an emotional wreck we've decided to go ahead and do the d&c. It's scheduled for 12:45 tomorrow. I feel really confident that we've done all we can to be sure there's not a baby in there and am comfortable with this decision.

I really appreciate all the support I've gotten from my friends OL and IRL. You all mean so much to me!

Breakdown

So I had my first public breakdown yesterday in the waiting room of the dr's office. My u/s appt was scheduled for 1:30 and I got there a little before to sign in. They'd just opened the office after lunch so there were just a couple people there besides me.

Right after I got there several very pg ladies came in. I just lost it. I started crying and couldn't stop. I cried thru the u/s and barely managed to compose myself while waiting to talk with the NP. When she came in I lost it again. I was supposed to meet with the dr but he was in a delivery (figures!) and wasn't going to make it in. I guess it was good in a way. I really like the NP. She's very sweet.

So we decided to run one more hcg to see what the numbers are doing. I should have those results in this afternoon. I'm thinking I want to go ahead and do the d&c. If yesterday afternoon was any indication of how things will be until this is over, I just want it over. It's not fair to DH and DS to put them thru any more of this. And it's not fair to me either.

The Numbers Are In

and it's not looking good. My first draw was 6037 on Thursday and Saturday's was 6233. Not even close to where they should be as far as doubling and very very low considering I should be almost 9 weeks. I have another u/s scheduled for today and will meet with the dr afterward. I'll post again when I know more this afternoon.

Thanks again for all the support.

A Very Grey Day

And I'm not just talking about the weather, although that's not helping my mood any. It's a very rainy day here and I could sure use a bit of sunshine to help pick up my spirits a little.

I haven't gotten the results of the bloodwork back yet. I called the dr's office just before noon but they didn't have them, or couldn't find them (I'm not sure which).

To top it off, I've discovered that I'm not doing as well hiding the stress as I thought. This morning I found a rather large mistake in some work I did late last week. It's not $$ thank goodness, and is fixable but it still bothers me. And now I'm sitting here at my desk, no energy or drive to continue working, no appetite though I've had very little to eat today and probably should eat something, and not able to control my emotions very well.

Poor DH is not sure what to do with me. I feel really bad for him.

Nothing But Empty Space

Unfortunately, it's not not good news. There was no heartbeat, nothing. Just an empty sac once again. It measured 6w2d but there wasn't anything there. I could tell before the u/s tech had even taken the u/s wand out that something wasn't right. She didn't say much to us and never turned the screen so I could see it.

Luckily DH was able to get away from work to meet me at the dr's office. I wasn't expecting him to be there, but am very glad he was.

We met with the dr after the u/s was over. He had a quant bloodtest done today and I'll go back on Saturday for a repeat to see what my numbers are doing. Depending on the results we'll either schedule another u/s for next week (hoping against hope) or a D&C. He gave us the option to just wait it out but if my body hasn't started the process by then, well I just want it to be over. I can't take the waiting and wondering much longer.

Honestly, I think the end is starting. My symptoms are much weaker than they were even a couple days ago. Still no spotting/bleeding as of now though.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and support. You have no idea what it's meant to me, and DH. So now I'll go and help my sweet little DS get in his jammies and we'll say a prayer for another little brother or sister who will never be with us except as an angel.

Crossed Fingers

So my doc finally called me back. I did have to bug the office again this morning.

He started to give me the "well, it was most likely too early" speech. I explained to him that I've been temping and know pretty well when I O'd and I was concerned that the baby was measuring so far behind. He agreed it was not good that we didn't see a hb and said he would have his office call and set up another u/s. Not 10 min later the office called and we are set for 11:15 on Thursday the 31st.

Let's just hope there's good news at the end of this wait...

Not Good But Not Bad Either

So, I had my u/s this morning. It didn't start off very well. I waited 20 min past my appt time with a full bladder. Talk about painful! OMG! I wasn't sure I was going to be able to walk when the tech finally came to get me.

So we get in the room and the tech starts pushing(yeah, that's right push on an extremely full bladder) to see what she can see. The screen was facing us so I could see what was going on. There was a sac but nothing in it. I started to panic but managed to hold it in until she could get a better look. She took some measurements and said 5w3d. More panic rising in my brain - I'm supposed to be almost 7 weeks!

Just to double check she decided to do a transvag u/s. Luckily for me she let me go pee and then out came the "dildo cam", as a friend so lovingly calls it;-) Again the same measurement - 5w3d. More panic and tears threatening to cut loose.

So she's given the pictures to the dr to read and now I'm waiting to hear from them on what the next step is. Hopefully another u/s in a week or so, just to see what baby is doing in there.

First Appointment

So my first ob appt was pretty routine - paperwork and labwork.

I'll have an u/s on Tuesday the 22nd for dating purposes. Then we'll schedule additional testing for downs and other genetic issues after that. Typical stuff offered "older" moms.

I'm looking forward to the 22nd, to say the least!

Still Positive

So the good news is, I'm still pg! My dr's office cancelled the appt for yesterday (didn't expect them not to) but they rescheduled for next Thursday, the 17th. I guess I can wait that long.

Oh, and I've managed to only pee on one more hpt so far. I've got two left so well see how long the will power lasts. LOL!

DH is still being cautious. He hasn't told anyone in his family, and neither have I. I want to wait until after the first appt and see how it goes.

A Late Christmas Present

I'm in complete and utter shock right now. AF was due this morning, but didn't show. So, being the good little POAS addict I am, I pulled out the last test in the house and peed. This is a little blurry but you get the idea...





So, now the fear and anxiety of "is this a sticky baby" kicks in. DH is trying not to get his hopes up, just in case. I've still got that appt with the doc on Monday morning. I'll call them first thing and see if they want to keep it or reschedule for later. Honestly, I'm hoping to get in for some bloodwork at least but we'll see.

Happy New Year

I'm a few days late but the sentiment is still there. I wish the best for all of you this year. May your fondest wishes and dreams come true.

We're starting the year off with some good news at our house. No, I'm not pg - yet! AF is due on Saturday and we just might have a shot at making next cycle count. My dr appt is on Monday so that would be just within the window if we develop and implement a plan right way.

The other good news is, DH may not end up leaving the country until the end of 2008. It will suck that he'll be gone for the holidays with no chance of him being home on R&R but that does give us two more months TTC before he leaves.

A thought just occured to me...am I as pathetic as I sound in that last paragraph? I mean really...