Did You Know

that you can't make a waiting room full of pregnant women disappear no matter how long you keep your eyes closed?

I think I've developed a pavlovian response to my obgyn's office. I wasn't in there five minutes today and I was bawling - again. Sigh!

Dinner Last NIght

It's funny how, when you think you are doing great, you end up realizing you are nowhere near as great as you feel.

Last night DH took me out to dinner. Kind of a late valentine's day dinner. Anyway, we get there and all hell breaks loose. I'm not sure when it started exactly - probably when he decided to pick a fight over the stupid appetizer (as in which one he wanted). And it just got worse from there, culminating in the hostess seating a very pg woman and her family right across from us. I couldn't keep from crying. About the only good thing is, it wasn't an ugly cry. Now THAT would have been embarrassing. Luckily, at this point, we were about done anyway. I chose dessert and then we left.

Don't get me wrong, I love my DH. He just doesn't always seem to be able to get when it's not ok to have a fight - like in public when there's a waiter wanting to take our order.

How To Give Yourself A Headache

I figured it out today - the best way to do this is to go to Babies R Us a week after you've had a d&c, just before lunch and take your hungry 4yo with you.

It's not that I'm a particularly sadistic person. I had to go shopping for a baby shower present for my cousin and his wife. I can't tell you how glad I was to get out of that store. I think I was out of there in record time. I just kept my head down and focused on the registry list. Actually, I did pretty well until I had to pick a card to go with the present. Then I lost it in the little card/wrapping paper section of the store. Not bad really, considering.

Oh, and the cure for said headache? A double-double with grilled onions, fries, a Dr. Pepper AND a chocolate milkshake;-)

Post D&C Update

So I'm two days post d&c and "so far so good". I'm feeling ok, a little crampy but that's to be expected I guess.

Honestly, though we have talked about TTC again as soon as possible, I'm feeling a little gun shy. I'm sure that's also normal. I know I may be putting the cart before the horse but I can't help being very anxious about what will happen with the next pg. I mean, now the anxiety I feel walking into the u/s room is so very different than it was before. Before it was a happy anxious, now I feel dread just thinking about it.

I am going to start looking into accupuncture and TCM (traditional chinese medicine). I've got a couple of places I want to look into over the next couple of weeks. Even if it does nothing more than help me relax I'm sure that will help.

Coming to an End

Well, the numbers are back from the last hcg - 6102 or something along those lines. They are dropping but very slowly. The test was 3 days after the one before it. Not much of a drop considering. So, given that and that I'm an emotional wreck we've decided to go ahead and do the d&c. It's scheduled for 12:45 tomorrow. I feel really confident that we've done all we can to be sure there's not a baby in there and am comfortable with this decision.

I really appreciate all the support I've gotten from my friends OL and IRL. You all mean so much to me!

Breakdown

So I had my first public breakdown yesterday in the waiting room of the dr's office. My u/s appt was scheduled for 1:30 and I got there a little before to sign in. They'd just opened the office after lunch so there were just a couple people there besides me.

Right after I got there several very pg ladies came in. I just lost it. I started crying and couldn't stop. I cried thru the u/s and barely managed to compose myself while waiting to talk with the NP. When she came in I lost it again. I was supposed to meet with the dr but he was in a delivery (figures!) and wasn't going to make it in. I guess it was good in a way. I really like the NP. She's very sweet.

So we decided to run one more hcg to see what the numbers are doing. I should have those results in this afternoon. I'm thinking I want to go ahead and do the d&c. If yesterday afternoon was any indication of how things will be until this is over, I just want it over. It's not fair to DH and DS to put them thru any more of this. And it's not fair to me either.

The Numbers Are In

and it's not looking good. My first draw was 6037 on Thursday and Saturday's was 6233. Not even close to where they should be as far as doubling and very very low considering I should be almost 9 weeks. I have another u/s scheduled for today and will meet with the dr afterward. I'll post again when I know more this afternoon.

Thanks again for all the support.

A Very Grey Day

And I'm not just talking about the weather, although that's not helping my mood any. It's a very rainy day here and I could sure use a bit of sunshine to help pick up my spirits a little.

I haven't gotten the results of the bloodwork back yet. I called the dr's office just before noon but they didn't have them, or couldn't find them (I'm not sure which).

To top it off, I've discovered that I'm not doing as well hiding the stress as I thought. This morning I found a rather large mistake in some work I did late last week. It's not $$ thank goodness, and is fixable but it still bothers me. And now I'm sitting here at my desk, no energy or drive to continue working, no appetite though I've had very little to eat today and probably should eat something, and not able to control my emotions very well.

Poor DH is not sure what to do with me. I feel really bad for him.