Family Time

So we went to ABQ to help a friend of DH celebrate his wedding. It was a much better weekend than I thought it would be. The wedding was beautiful! DS actually did really well considering that his schedule was completely off.

The best part was being able to spend time with DH and DS. We had several days in a row without work or other commitments getting in the way. It was wonderful! I just wish it could have lasted a little longer. Ah, well. Next trip maybe.

I'm feeling very tired and am going to hit the hay now that I've gotten all my blog surfing done.

Balm for a Weary Soul

It comes in many forms. For some people it's religion, for some it's sex, for some it's music, you get the idea.

For me, it comes in a little styrofoam cup and is called a chocolate cream pie shake. It's been a long couple of weeks and I needed that little bit of chocolaty goodness on a Friday night.

Catching Up

It's been a really long week since my last post.

We had company come in from out of state. I like these people in small amounts of time but to have all of them staying in our little apt for 4.5 days was almost too much for me. Thank the stars I had to work most of the time! Any visit with them inevitably leads to at least one argument between me and DH. They are friends of his from way back and he tends to revert to his 18yo self around them. It makes me crazy and we had a knock down, drag out fight about it last week.

All is better now but we still have some underlying issues to deal with. I've been dragging my feet about it but we need to find "an impartial 3rd party" to talk to. I think we just need to learn how to fight constructively.

Then, add to that a potentially serious incident at work. I always worried about something like this happening. I've literally had nightmares about one of the animals involved. Luckily all safety measures worked like they were supposed to and no one got hurt - neither people or animals. It's the side of my job I don't like to dwell on, and I'm not even a "front line" responder in this kind of incident.

And today I get a call that one of the animals I spend time with every day passed away. He was young, only a year and a half, and so sweet - well, sweet for an otter. So playful and full of life. I'm numb and have a ton of questions, most of which may never be answered unfortunately. And, as a mother, I wonder if his mother is even aware of what has happened. They live together so I'm sure there is some kind of awareness that he's not there. I feel bad for her, and for his keepers.

So much sadness and stress in such a short time frame. Luckily I have a little clown of a DS to help get thru it. He's getting so big! He's now washing his own hair in the bath. He does a pretty good job of it too!

Long Time No Post

To all my "avid readers", I must first say I'm sorry for disappearing for almost a month. Life, as it happens, gets in the way of even the best intentions of posting.

A belated birthday wish, and a couple of shout outs....

First, a VERY Happy 3rd Birthday to Thomas, one of our TTCGrads angels. I hope you and your Mommy and Daddy had a good day. I know they wish you were here celebrating with them. I think of you so often. You will never know how you have changed so very many people's lives.

Congrats to S, my fellow oldster, on making the 3T! I'm so flocking excited for you and M:-)

And a huge hug to N and J who have had a rough go lately.

Can you tell I'm just catching up on my blog-surfing?

As for me and how we are doing at our house, well, that's a post for another day. There's just too much and I'm too tired to rehash it right now. I'm off to see if I can talk DS into going to sleep.

Did You Know

that you can't make a waiting room full of pregnant women disappear no matter how long you keep your eyes closed?

I think I've developed a pavlovian response to my obgyn's office. I wasn't in there five minutes today and I was bawling - again. Sigh!

Dinner Last NIght

It's funny how, when you think you are doing great, you end up realizing you are nowhere near as great as you feel.

Last night DH took me out to dinner. Kind of a late valentine's day dinner. Anyway, we get there and all hell breaks loose. I'm not sure when it started exactly - probably when he decided to pick a fight over the stupid appetizer (as in which one he wanted). And it just got worse from there, culminating in the hostess seating a very pg woman and her family right across from us. I couldn't keep from crying. About the only good thing is, it wasn't an ugly cry. Now THAT would have been embarrassing. Luckily, at this point, we were about done anyway. I chose dessert and then we left.

Don't get me wrong, I love my DH. He just doesn't always seem to be able to get when it's not ok to have a fight - like in public when there's a waiter wanting to take our order.

How To Give Yourself A Headache

I figured it out today - the best way to do this is to go to Babies R Us a week after you've had a d&c, just before lunch and take your hungry 4yo with you.

It's not that I'm a particularly sadistic person. I had to go shopping for a baby shower present for my cousin and his wife. I can't tell you how glad I was to get out of that store. I think I was out of there in record time. I just kept my head down and focused on the registry list. Actually, I did pretty well until I had to pick a card to go with the present. Then I lost it in the little card/wrapping paper section of the store. Not bad really, considering.

Oh, and the cure for said headache? A double-double with grilled onions, fries, a Dr. Pepper AND a chocolate milkshake;-)

Post D&C Update

So I'm two days post d&c and "so far so good". I'm feeling ok, a little crampy but that's to be expected I guess.

Honestly, though we have talked about TTC again as soon as possible, I'm feeling a little gun shy. I'm sure that's also normal. I know I may be putting the cart before the horse but I can't help being very anxious about what will happen with the next pg. I mean, now the anxiety I feel walking into the u/s room is so very different than it was before. Before it was a happy anxious, now I feel dread just thinking about it.

I am going to start looking into accupuncture and TCM (traditional chinese medicine). I've got a couple of places I want to look into over the next couple of weeks. Even if it does nothing more than help me relax I'm sure that will help.

Coming to an End

Well, the numbers are back from the last hcg - 6102 or something along those lines. They are dropping but very slowly. The test was 3 days after the one before it. Not much of a drop considering. So, given that and that I'm an emotional wreck we've decided to go ahead and do the d&c. It's scheduled for 12:45 tomorrow. I feel really confident that we've done all we can to be sure there's not a baby in there and am comfortable with this decision.

I really appreciate all the support I've gotten from my friends OL and IRL. You all mean so much to me!

Breakdown

So I had my first public breakdown yesterday in the waiting room of the dr's office. My u/s appt was scheduled for 1:30 and I got there a little before to sign in. They'd just opened the office after lunch so there were just a couple people there besides me.

Right after I got there several very pg ladies came in. I just lost it. I started crying and couldn't stop. I cried thru the u/s and barely managed to compose myself while waiting to talk with the NP. When she came in I lost it again. I was supposed to meet with the dr but he was in a delivery (figures!) and wasn't going to make it in. I guess it was good in a way. I really like the NP. She's very sweet.

So we decided to run one more hcg to see what the numbers are doing. I should have those results in this afternoon. I'm thinking I want to go ahead and do the d&c. If yesterday afternoon was any indication of how things will be until this is over, I just want it over. It's not fair to DH and DS to put them thru any more of this. And it's not fair to me either.

The Numbers Are In

and it's not looking good. My first draw was 6037 on Thursday and Saturday's was 6233. Not even close to where they should be as far as doubling and very very low considering I should be almost 9 weeks. I have another u/s scheduled for today and will meet with the dr afterward. I'll post again when I know more this afternoon.

Thanks again for all the support.

A Very Grey Day

And I'm not just talking about the weather, although that's not helping my mood any. It's a very rainy day here and I could sure use a bit of sunshine to help pick up my spirits a little.

I haven't gotten the results of the bloodwork back yet. I called the dr's office just before noon but they didn't have them, or couldn't find them (I'm not sure which).

To top it off, I've discovered that I'm not doing as well hiding the stress as I thought. This morning I found a rather large mistake in some work I did late last week. It's not $$ thank goodness, and is fixable but it still bothers me. And now I'm sitting here at my desk, no energy or drive to continue working, no appetite though I've had very little to eat today and probably should eat something, and not able to control my emotions very well.

Poor DH is not sure what to do with me. I feel really bad for him.

Nothing But Empty Space

Unfortunately, it's not not good news. There was no heartbeat, nothing. Just an empty sac once again. It measured 6w2d but there wasn't anything there. I could tell before the u/s tech had even taken the u/s wand out that something wasn't right. She didn't say much to us and never turned the screen so I could see it.

Luckily DH was able to get away from work to meet me at the dr's office. I wasn't expecting him to be there, but am very glad he was.

We met with the dr after the u/s was over. He had a quant bloodtest done today and I'll go back on Saturday for a repeat to see what my numbers are doing. Depending on the results we'll either schedule another u/s for next week (hoping against hope) or a D&C. He gave us the option to just wait it out but if my body hasn't started the process by then, well I just want it to be over. I can't take the waiting and wondering much longer.

Honestly, I think the end is starting. My symptoms are much weaker than they were even a couple days ago. Still no spotting/bleeding as of now though.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and support. You have no idea what it's meant to me, and DH. So now I'll go and help my sweet little DS get in his jammies and we'll say a prayer for another little brother or sister who will never be with us except as an angel.

Crossed Fingers

So my doc finally called me back. I did have to bug the office again this morning.

He started to give me the "well, it was most likely too early" speech. I explained to him that I've been temping and know pretty well when I O'd and I was concerned that the baby was measuring so far behind. He agreed it was not good that we didn't see a hb and said he would have his office call and set up another u/s. Not 10 min later the office called and we are set for 11:15 on Thursday the 31st.

Let's just hope there's good news at the end of this wait...

Not Good But Not Bad Either

So, I had my u/s this morning. It didn't start off very well. I waited 20 min past my appt time with a full bladder. Talk about painful! OMG! I wasn't sure I was going to be able to walk when the tech finally came to get me.

So we get in the room and the tech starts pushing(yeah, that's right push on an extremely full bladder) to see what she can see. The screen was facing us so I could see what was going on. There was a sac but nothing in it. I started to panic but managed to hold it in until she could get a better look. She took some measurements and said 5w3d. More panic rising in my brain - I'm supposed to be almost 7 weeks!

Just to double check she decided to do a transvag u/s. Luckily for me she let me go pee and then out came the "dildo cam", as a friend so lovingly calls it;-) Again the same measurement - 5w3d. More panic and tears threatening to cut loose.

So she's given the pictures to the dr to read and now I'm waiting to hear from them on what the next step is. Hopefully another u/s in a week or so, just to see what baby is doing in there.

First Appointment

So my first ob appt was pretty routine - paperwork and labwork.

I'll have an u/s on Tuesday the 22nd for dating purposes. Then we'll schedule additional testing for downs and other genetic issues after that. Typical stuff offered "older" moms.

I'm looking forward to the 22nd, to say the least!

Still Positive

So the good news is, I'm still pg! My dr's office cancelled the appt for yesterday (didn't expect them not to) but they rescheduled for next Thursday, the 17th. I guess I can wait that long.

Oh, and I've managed to only pee on one more hpt so far. I've got two left so well see how long the will power lasts. LOL!

DH is still being cautious. He hasn't told anyone in his family, and neither have I. I want to wait until after the first appt and see how it goes.

A Late Christmas Present

I'm in complete and utter shock right now. AF was due this morning, but didn't show. So, being the good little POAS addict I am, I pulled out the last test in the house and peed. This is a little blurry but you get the idea...





So, now the fear and anxiety of "is this a sticky baby" kicks in. DH is trying not to get his hopes up, just in case. I've still got that appt with the doc on Monday morning. I'll call them first thing and see if they want to keep it or reschedule for later. Honestly, I'm hoping to get in for some bloodwork at least but we'll see.

Happy New Year

I'm a few days late but the sentiment is still there. I wish the best for all of you this year. May your fondest wishes and dreams come true.

We're starting the year off with some good news at our house. No, I'm not pg - yet! AF is due on Saturday and we just might have a shot at making next cycle count. My dr appt is on Monday so that would be just within the window if we develop and implement a plan right way.

The other good news is, DH may not end up leaving the country until the end of 2008. It will suck that he'll be gone for the holidays with no chance of him being home on R&R but that does give us two more months TTC before he leaves.

A thought just occured to me...am I as pathetic as I sound in that last paragraph? I mean really...

Side Tracked

OK, so I got a little side tracked the last couple of weeks and didn't update from my last post.

I did finally get a call back from the dr's office. The gal on the phone couldn't, or more likely wouldn't, give me any specific numbers. Great! Just what I need, someone who plays by the rules. So I made an appt to meet with the dr on Jan 7. So, another cycle down the drain more than likely. Even if I O'd late this cycle and the doc just hands over a scrip on the 7th, it will most likely need to wait until the following cycle. Tick...tock...tick...tock...

I found out an interesting tidbit about my FIL this weekend. He is fully aware of temping and charting. I discovered this when he made a comment to DH about hoping that "that" is successful - as he pointed at my thermometer sitting on the nightstand. Hmmm.....

All in all, it was a good Christmas visit. DS had a fun time playing with his cousins and helping FIL take care of the animals. I just wish we could have stayed another day or two.