Time's Up!

Today is the day I face the fact that my son may very well be an only child. It's an idea that makes me so very very sad. He has such a good soul (despite driving me batty every now and then) and would make such a good big brother. Every baby we meet loves him and he is so good with them. This was brought home to me the other night when we were visiting with some friends who have a 7.5 month old. My son was curious about him yet treated him gently and this baby just followed him everywhere.

And now it really looks like he will never get the chance to be a big brother. I'm not pregnant this cycle - again. Damn it! I hate that I waited so long to start having kids, and that we hesitated on getting pregnant again sooner. I feel like I've let him down somehow. I know he'll never know the difference but I know. I'm 37 years old, and by the time my DH gets home I'll be almost 39. I've set the "magic cutoff" as 40. I just can't run that risk - we're playing with borrowed time as it is. 9 cycles of trying to get pregnant. 9 cycles of temperatures and CM and analysing every twing and pang. 9 cycles of nothing. I still need to find a way to tell DH, though by now he's sure to have found the negative HPT in the bathroom trash can.

So this afternoon, in just a couple hours, we get on an airplane and head for Las Vegas where we get to spend the last couple of days with my DH before he goes for training. It will be two long months before we see him again. We will have moved out of our apartment and to another state. We will be living in someone else's home. And as quick as he's home he's gone again, to the Middle East and all the uncertainty that goes with it.

This just plain sucks. There's nothing like having your biological stopwatch hanging right in front of your face like this. And now I have to pull myself together enough to sit in a training session for the next two hours.

It sucks to be me again today. Wanna trade?