Visiting

Today was an odd day. I'd made plans, way back, with my sister to go visit the cemetaries where my grandmother and grandfather are buried. No, they aren't in the same one - long story.

Anyway, we got some swags and took them from one end of the valley to the other. I haven't visited either of them in a couple of years. My grandmother has been gone for 20 yrs come January. I just can't believe it's been that long. Some day I'll tell you about her but for today let's just say I'm missing her alot. And my grandfather has been gone for almost 10 years. Another story for another day.

So we were on our way, boys in tow, when my sister decided to call a dear friend about when we are meeting on Christmas Eve. This friend laid a huge surprise on us, a great and wonderful surprise. A little background...

We've known the G family for many years now. Mrs G worked with my dad. About the time my parents split up the G family was going thru a tough time and ended up living with my mom. At this point they had 5 boys, the youngest just older than a year. One day I went over to visit my mom and was greeted with the news that Mrs G was in the hospital. She had been pregnant and something was wrong with the baby. None of us realized that she was even pg! I'm not clear on all that happened but the outcome was crystal clear, the baby - a little girl - did not make it.

Sarah Elizabeth was a beautiful little girl. I was fortunate enough to be able to see her right after she was born. Mrs G wanted the boys to come to the hospital and I offered to go with them to help. The nurses were so good to the family, much more so than I expected.

So, back to today. Mrs G told my sister that they were going to the cemetary to see Sarah, and her new marker. The G family had been unable to afford a marker 9 years ago when they buried her. A while back Mr G found out about a small local foundation that helps families with the burial costs, partial or all depending on the situation. So they applied for, and got, assistance paying for Sarah's marker and today was the first time they were going to see it. One of the local tv stations decided to do a story on the G family and the foundation that helped them, to promote the work the foundation is doing.

Again I was fortunate enough to go with them today. It's the first time since the funeral that I'd been out there. It is a beautiful marker!

Going with them today was sobering for me. At the time I wasn't a parent, at the time I didn't know that the seemingly simple process of growing and having a baby could go so wrong in such a hurry, at the time I just didn't understand. Today I couldn't help think about Thomas and Ryan, and their parents, as I was standing there. I watched Mr and Mrs G relive the pain of that time 9 years ago (almost exactly) so that others might know they aren't alone in their grief.

I wish I could lessen their pain. Mrs G told me that she still aches for Sarah 9 years later. But if something good can come of reliving that pain then she will gladly do it. I don't know if I could be that giving even after 9 years.

Happy Birthday To Me

Not!

So I'm now taking my horse pills and feeling a little better already. I swear, could they make these things any bigger?

And to top it all off, AF visited today. Just the early birthday present I didn't want. Now there's no possibility of getting pg until next summer at the earliest. By then DS will be 3.5 years old. What's worse is I will be 38.5. Not exactly ideal - especially when you consider the very real possibility that DH could get extended over seas.

I know, I've whined about it before but I really don't relish the idea of being pg after 40. The toll it takes on the body aside, I just don't like the risks for the baby.

I also would have liked DS to have a sibling closer in age. I'm 8 yrs older than my youngest sister and often times feel like I barely know her. I was graduating high school when she was starting elementary school. I wanted DS to have a sibling he could hang out with, go on road trips with, get in trouble with, you know normal close in age sibling stuff.

It must be the hormones making me crazy about this again, or maybe it's fatigue. Either way sorry to be so depressing. It's just I was hoping for a miracle while DH was home this cycle.

I Have What?!

It's not what you think. Last week I came down with a very painful ear ache. It started on Weds and by Thursday not even tylenol would touch it, plus I was running a fever. So I called in sick for work and headed to the doctor.

The doc took a look at my ears and said they were clear. Ok, so it's not an ear infection...or a sinus infection. Those were the two conditions I'd self diagnosed. So the doc says let's look at your throat. Ok, it doesn't hurt but what the heck.

So she takes a peak and says "One of your tonsals is swollen. I'd better take a strep culture, just in case." Again I humor her and allow her to gag me with an extra-ordinaraly long q-tip. I even carry the instrument of torture to the lab FOR her after my appointment, lol!

All thoughts of ears and throat are driven from my mind (mostly) that evening and Friday when our area is hit by the "storm of the century". We lost power, some still don't have power back on. All heck broke loose - long gas lines, horrible traffic due to malfunctioning lights, downed trees everywhere, you get the picture.

Imagine my surprise this evening when I check my voicemail and find a message from the doc that the culture came back positive! What?! My throat doesn't even hurt! My ears are still sore but that's about it.

Luckily the pharmacy opens early in the morning. The doc wants to put me on a course of antibiotics. I'm going to try to be there when the doors open so I can get to work. I can't believe this! I haven't had strep in years!

Guess it goes to show, you can't judge an illness by it's symptoms...

Melancholy Days

I suppose the incessant rain this week has made me feel this way. Maybe not really and truly depressed, just a little blue when I have time to think and no distraction besides the sound of the rain on the eves.

The euphoria of DS's birthday has passed and I'm realizing with each passing day just how grown up he's getting. He had his 3 year check up yesterday and was pronounced healthy as can be by the doctor. I'm glad for that. But the fact that he used the potty (standing up even) while we were out that afternoon and has been pretty consistent about telling me when he has to go makes me both happy and sad. Don't get me wrong, we still have a long way to go to be 100%! But watching him get himself ready (I do it Mommy!) and then actually go... well, he's definitely not a baby any more.

The other thing that has me a little down actually has nothing to do with DS - or me for that matter. I have a dear friend in AZ who has been TTC her first child almost since I got pg with DS. They've gone thru numerous IF treatments and have gotten 2 BFP's, one last Dec and one this past Sept. Both ended in miscarriage. I'm just devastated for her and her DH. I know there's nothing I can do but be here for her to talk if she wants. But even so I really don't know what she's feeling because I've never had to go thru that kind of grueling procedure nor have I had a miscarriage.

And the frustrating part for me comes when I have encounters like I had yesterday at the mall. DS and I were having lunch in the food court while waiting for Santa to finish feeding the reindeer. A little girl about 4 walked up to the hot dog on a stick place and attempted to order her lunch. The gal at the counter asked her where her mommy was and the little girl proceeded to yell across the food court for her mom to come over - for a good 2 minutes! The mom finally worked her way over, pushing a cart with a younger child probably about 1 year old. She was very obviously pg and was very quick to loudly tell the clerk behind the counter she was having twins. Twins! Must...resist...the...urge...to...scream... I couldn't help thinking (rightly or wrongly) how can someone like her end up with 4 kids under the age of 4 and not my friends, the ones who have tried so long and so hard to even bring home one baby.

So, you can see that the weather (and my hormones - PMS is such a wonderful thing) is getting the better of me these days. It's going to be a long week....

Good News and Other Things

The good news is, DH called and he made it back to his base safely. It's going to be a long 7 months til he's home again. And the really frustrating part is there are already rumors that his unit might be called up next summer! That's not to say he will end up having to go overseas again, but there's no guarantee he won't.

And the strangest thing happened to me today. I got an email from an old friend from college. I've known this guy for roughly 12 years. He's the best friend of an ex-boyfriend but we've managed to work past that (we don't talk about him). Anyway, out of the blue today he decides to email me thru my Reunion.com profile. I guess that's why it's out there, right? The last time I talked to T it was just days, literally, before I met DH.

I don't know why his email took me by surprise but it did. T is kind of a complex guy - brilliant and very aware that he is. I always feel like I have to be on my guard with him. I'm not saying I don't feel safe, just that I'm a bit out of practice dealing with him. He knew me during a very dark period of my life and yet has managed to not be revolted by what he knows. In some ways he knows me better than I know myself. It's like he can read my mind sometimes. At least that's how it used to be. Should be interesting catching up with him and his family. I liked his wife the couple of times I met her. She seems to balance him out well.

Can It Really Be?!

My DS is three years old, well ok, he will be in about 20 min. OMG! Where has the time gone. I just can't get over how quickly the time has gone. Tonight we started the festivities of "birthday weekend" by taking DS out to Red Robin for dinner. He loves to eat there, especially when the waiters and waitresses sing "Happy Birthday" to people. Of course we told the waiter it was DS's birthday and they came and sang a song for him. He was SOOOOO excited! He danced in his chair while they were singing, lol.

I've spent the last few nights going through our pictures of DS to create a special little montage for his birthday. It was so tough to narrow it down. His first year seems like so long ago! I barely recognize my bigger boy as that baby, and yet I can still feel him nuzzle me as we nursed and that sweet baby smell still lingers on the edge of my mind, ready to come to the surface of my memory at the slightest nudge. I am grateful for the wonderful three years we've spent together. DS has been happy and healthy, what more can a Mommy ask for her child?

Happy Birthday Sunshine!


Celebrating Jack's Third Birthday