Remembering

To my angels...I miss you and love you with all my heart. I will always wonder who you would have become if you'd stayed with us.

I'm thinking of all those who have lost their babies to miscarriage or after their birth.

It's Been How Long?!

OMG! I can't believe it's been a month since my last post - a very busy month. Let's see...

DH is now at his training post on the east coast. He's been gone for a little over a week now and it's been tough. DS is missing Daddy very much, as am I. We did have a "romantic" get away weekend before he left. We got a hotel room for Fri and Sat night and scheduled some family time as well as spending some time together before he left. It was nice.

The new job is going well, keeping me very busy. I've learned so much I've got information leaking out of my ears!

I suppose part of the reason I've kept so busy lately is because I should be welcoming home a new little baby and getting adjusted to having two kids. My due date with my last pg was the 20th of Sept. Instead I'm trying very hard not to dwell on what should be and focus on the good in our lives. It doesn't help that DS has developed a fascination with babies lately.

I'm going to admit to doing something many people will consider foolish but it really did help me feel better. There is a man named James VanPraagh who is a "psychic" I've followed for many years. He's best known for communicating with those who have crossed over. If you are a fan of the tv show Ghost Whisperer you know who I'm talking about (it's based on his work). Anyway, he was on the radio a couple weeks ago with some local personalities and I managed to call in and talk to him. He said he felt I would be pg again. I know some would say it's false hope but it really did help me reaffirm my decision to just let things happen this year and see where we end up.

The final piece of good news is about our house. We got final approval on our loan and will be closing on the 16th of the month! I'm so freaking excited!! What a load off my mind about that as well. I promise to post some pics this weekend.

Reflecting

It's amazing how easy it is to drop out of touch with friends, at least for me. I had a great conversation with one of my sisters today - one I haven't talked to since before Christmas. I love her, we just have very busy lives these days and I haven't had a chance to spend time with her in a while. She's got a very energetic 2yo and I've had a very busy schedule this past year.

Amazingly we ended up talking for almost an hour today! She and her husband have been going thru some TTC "stuff" and we commiserated. It felt good and helped me actually vocalize what I've been thinking - I'm going to just let things unfold this year and re-evaluate our situation once DH gets home next fall.

As for the new job, it's keeping me busy! I can't take my cell phone in (security reasons) and can't get online while at work (again security) but that's ok. There is so much work to do and stuff to learn that there is no way I'd have time for playing on the boards. It's very interesting work and I'm learning so much. By the end of the day I feel like I'm leaking information out my ears! LOL!

Up to Me

So, DH and I had a not so long conversation the day before yesterday about whether or not to continue TTC. Basically he's left it all up to me to decide if/when I've had enough. Of course, it's kind of hard to really talk when you are sitting in a bar with a bunch of people sitting around you listening to all the conversations in the immediate area. Sigh!

I'm leaning toward just relaxing and letting whatever happens happen for now. If DH is home at the right time this cycle then great, if not then maybe next cycle, or in the spring when he's home for R&R. Once he gets home then we can revisit the conversation if we need to.

Here is the conversation that goes on in my brain...I know that many women have gotten pg and had perfectly healthy babies after 40. I just can't help but feel like we are pushing our luck though. I mean, after the last m/c and all the drama that went along with that can I really go thru it again if something goes wrong? And I'd have to do it w/o DH...

OK, so I'm pretty much ready to be committed now. The only question is, do they have those cute little white coats in my size?

Moving Right Along

Wow! We have a house! This was taken on 8/7. The house next to us, that you can sort of see, was started about 2 weeks before ours. I'm so flocking excited:-)

Sorry the quality of the pic isn't that great. I forgot my digital camera so had to use my phone.

Almost 40

Yup, believe it or not, I'm almost 40. Normally birthdays don't mean much to me. It's just a number after all, right? But this year it's more than that - it's the end of my time TTC another child. And I'm not sure I can stick to my resolution to move on once Dec 20 rolls around.

After all, it's not like we've had all of the last 5 years to continuously try for another baby. And it's not like we'll have the next 4 mos to keep trying. DH is starting his training this month and, while he'll be in the same state he'll be gone more than he'll be home. I can't count on him being here "when it's time", kwim?

I can't help feeling gyped! It's not fair that I don't get that time! It's not fair! It's not fair!

And in the back of my mind I keep thinking, if I bend my "rule" a little and we let ourselves slide one more year then we'll at least have DH's R&R (possibly) and the 3 mos once he gets back to try.

But do I really want to run that risk? Who's to say that my body hasn't already started shutting down the baby factory?! Look what has happened already this year. And how am I ever going to apologize to my DS for not being able to give him the little brother he wants.

Foundation

So we almost have a foundation now! We stopped by to show my SIL and BIL the dirt and were shocked to see that the houses next to us on both sides have almost been completely framed out! The lot directly next to us has also been sold and we were happy to find out it is a single story as well. Woohoo!!!

House Update and More

So, we got our permits back about a week ago. Now we are waiting for construction to begin! DH drove by on Saturday and said they had staked out the foundation, but didn't take any pics. My SIL is coming in on Friday so I'm sure we'll be taking a trip out on Saturday to see the house so I'll get pics then;-)

Last weekend was a little overwhelming for me. DH had his last drill weekend before they begin training for the deployment. DS and I went on Sunday because they were doing family briefings on what we need to get done and what is going to happen. Not much in the way of solid dates, etc yet. So much paperwork to do! And of course it was pretty emotional too. I didn't let DH see me cry though. I'm so nervous about this, even though we've done this before.

I could use some "find a new full time job quickly" vibes. I really would like to get a straight out full time job. As much as I love working at the zoo, working two jobs has been tough. I think my body has finally said ENOUGH because I've now got a horrible head cold.

Our Dirt

We did decide to go with the new build house. We signed the contract on Saturday and hopefully the permits will be done quickly. It's been averaging 28 days - not too bad but we'd like to get going ASAP.

So, here's our dirt! The houses behind the fence are on the other side of the street and there are no houses going to be built right in front of us as there's a common area. We got a pretty good lot! I'll bore you with update pics as the building process goes along;-)

House Update and More

My mom has now moved in with us. This is in prep for DH leaving. She will be staying with us until he gets back, most likely. It's all good. We get along well and it will be nice to have some help with DS while DH is gone. All the Army's plans still call for him to be overseas by mid to late Oct.

As for the house, well, we still haven't found a re-sell house that we like. We thought about bidding on one of the ones from the week before last but it was going to end up out of our price range.

So, we took a look at some new build houses. I was very impressed and we will most likely go that route. The only down side is going to be that the house won't be ready til Oct at the earliest. Sigh! DH will be long gone and we'll have to hire a mover to help with the big stuff.

Venting

Why is it that men are so dense? I mean seriously! I really wish we were like some species in the animal kingdom that can reproduce without actually needing the help of a male. Then I wouldn't be subject to the "I'm tired" and "You never want to when I want to" bull shit.

So today, well technically yesterday, I was going to get the bd fest going. It's kind of hard to do when your 4yo decides to fight going to sleep but I waited patiently until DH was done being suckered into one more story.

Finally, when DS had calmed down enough to even think about any bding, DH decides that he is more interested in working on the computer. What the hell?! And, the best part, he actually said "How come you only want to when it's time to ovulate and not when I want to?" Oh....my....God! So that effectively ended that! I was so pissed I said fine, whatever, and went to bed.

To answer your question, dumbass, it's not that it's never when you want to, it's that you are too tired, or it's the wrong time of day (?!), or the idea of being pawed at when you decide to come stumbling to bed at 4am and I have to be up at 6am for work just isn't going to cut it! I just want to scream!

And, so now I'm up at 3am with O pains, knowing that my sisters and my mother will be decending on us starting tomorrow and no chance in sight for this cycle. Not even an outside chance.

Just fucking great! This leaves us one cycle left before DH is deployed. Sigh! I'm less and less hopeful that baby number 2 is going to happen.

House 2 Update

So, house 2 wasn't much better. Actually, the house was ok, it was the neighborhood that was the problem. Sigh! It was showing some water damage on the outside of the house but I loved the space in the kitchen!

We have 12 more houses we've asked to see. Hopefully one of them will be the right mix of house and neighborhood.

House Hunt Update 1

I'm sure you'll all be bored to tears by the time we finally find a house, lol!

So we only got to see one of the houses today. The first one we were supposed to see we had to reschedule. The resident's child was sick. OK, fine, I understand a sick kid and not wanting to take them out.

The second house was a disappointment, to say the least. It would have been perfect had the previous owner not decided to convert the garage into the 4th "bedroom" and leave holes in the walls of said room. Yup, big gaping holes. And who knows if they actually got the necessary permits for the conversion of the garage. The tile floors and bathroom fixtures were pretty beat up and the ceiling fans all need to be replaced, as does the carpet in the entire house. Sigh! And that's just the starat of the things in the notes we made after we left. This house was built in 2003. The realtor was just as shocked as we were at the condition of the house. The listing didn't fully disclose the condition of the house. And, it's lender owned so there's no guarantee it would be fixed up if we wanted to buy the house.

This isn't as shining a start to this process as I'd hoped. I need to see if we can get out an look at a few more over the weekend.

Night Time Success

So, we've now gone a week with no pullups and so far so good (knock on wood!). I'm so glad. The whole night time potty training thing was, and still is, a worry for me and DH. DH will kill me for posting this but he had some "issues" until he was well into grade school. I know it's a relief to him that DS seems to be having a pretty easy time of potty training.

Tomorrow we go see the two houses I mentioned the other day. I can't wait! I'm so excited.

The First Steps

So, we've gotten the house buying show on the road. We got our pre-approval amount from the lender and I've already been scowering the websites to see what houses might be available in our price range. I sent two to the realtor today:-) I can't wait to go see them! I hope they look as good in person (or better of course)!

In other news, DS is in the process of night time potty training. I know, he's 4.5 years old (OMG!) and should have been out of pullups already but I'm a wussy, lol! So we've had two nights without an accident. I'm hoping this is a permanent thing. I know there may be accidents along the way but we're off to a good start!

She's Here!

The most wonderful news I could have gotten today was that Sher and Mike are holding their sweet baby girl Megan in their arms as we speak. I'm so incredibly happy for them:-) She is healthy and both she and her Mommy are doing wonderfully.

Things are right with the world right now.

A Big Day

Tomorrow, Thursday the 29th, is a big day for an OL friend. She is going to be giving birth to her DD "Gummy". I'm so very excited for her and her husband. This is their second child. Their first, Ryan, was born with heart defects. You can read their story by following the Sherry link under my blog stalking spots.

Sher, my fellow oldster, I'm sending all the PPT I can muster for you and Mike. I know you must be so nervous and excited tonight. I can't wait to meet your little Gummy!

Memorial Day

It's been a wonderful day with DH and DS. We went to lunch and then to play a round of miniature golf. DS had a blast, as I knew he would.

And in the back of my mind I couldn't help letting that thought come thru...the possibility that next year we could be spending it at the national cemetary. I hate when those thoughts come sneaking in. I feel like I'm jinxing DH in some way. I just pray that he comes home safely, along with everyone over there.

Freak Out

No, there's nothing wrong with DS or DH. I'm admitting here that I'm a little freaked out, and very excited, about beginning the search for our house. I can't wait to get out of this apartment. It's nice but small and I don't care for the management team. They are completely clueless! And, I'm tired of worrying about what the neighbors can hear, and what we are hearing from the neighbors. But with the economy the way it is I'm pretty nervous. I just need to learn to trust that all will be ok. We know our limitations and won't get sucked in to more than we can afford.

Now, some easy house hunting vibes would be appreciated.

Happy Mother's Day

I have to work tomorrow so I'll wish all my friends a Happy Mother's Day today. I'm thinking of you all and I hope you are showered with love and lots of attention tomorrow. You all are such wonderful Mommies and I learn so much from you.

And for those Mommies who are not able to hold their children and be showered with their sweet kisses first thing in the morning, I wish you a peaceful day. I know your babies are looking down at you and are with you always.