I'm beginning to dread the days leading up to AF. I swear to God, if I didn't know better I would really think I was pregnant. The last three or four days have been nothing but emotional ups and downs that rival the best of a pregnancy induced tantrum.
The whole trip to the zoo was one thing but I've done nothing but sob since yesterday afternoon. I'm holding it together at work only because work provides a perfect opportunity to divert my attention for an hour here and there.
Stress, maybe (ok most likely), the downside of the insanity that was my life the previous 6 weeks, ok I'll by that, but mix in those wonderful (?!) PMSing hormones and look out world. The train wreck is a-comin'. Seriously, can you see that pinpoint of light barreling down at you from the horizon? That is a real live breakdown threatening to happen on your computer screen;-) Can't say I didn't warn you... breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out....
And why the hell isn't spell check working any more?!
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The Zoo
The best part of a three day weekend is getting to spend some extra time with my son. I just love when we get that extra 24 hrs to do something fun together. This past Memorial Day weekend was especially nice considering how crazy weekends have been lately.
Sunday I dedicated to nothing but fun - no packing, no cleaning, no errands, just fun. So we packed ourselves up, slathered on the sun screen and headed for the zoo. It's a modest little zoo we have in Phoenix, dedicated to preservation and desert environment species mostly. No hippos, no polar bears, no penguins but fun just the same.
My son has reached the stage where he does not want to be riding in his stroller most of the time. I still bring it, especially to the zoo, because there are some hills and his little legs usually get tired about half way through. The stroller is definitely easier than carrying him, especially in 100+ degree heat!
So, we arrive and say hello to the turtles and fishies at the entrance and make our way in. First stop - the carousel. Who knew that a 2.5 year old would walk all the way around a carousel and pick the dolphin to ride on. Never mind the fact he was one of about 3 kids on the ride and could have picked just about any animal he wanted! LOL! It had to be the dolphin.
It was a wonderful day. We got to see one of the new cheetahs and (finally) the baby oranguatan! She's about 4 mos old now and so cute. And my son had a blast playing in the water fountain to take the edge off what was shaping up to be a really warm day. It took him a few minutes to get used to the water spraying up from the floor but once he did he really had a great time running from one part of the fountain to another.
The only thing that bothered me during our 2 hours at the zoo was all the pregnant bellies. Really! That's it. I mean just because every time I turned around there was another one walking by... It was like I had PGPS (Pregnancy GPS) or something! About half way through our walk I realized how much I was bothered by them. I really thought I was ok with the possibility of never being pregnant again. Guess I was wrong. I don't think I'll ever be ok with it.
Sunday I dedicated to nothing but fun - no packing, no cleaning, no errands, just fun. So we packed ourselves up, slathered on the sun screen and headed for the zoo. It's a modest little zoo we have in Phoenix, dedicated to preservation and desert environment species mostly. No hippos, no polar bears, no penguins but fun just the same.
My son has reached the stage where he does not want to be riding in his stroller most of the time. I still bring it, especially to the zoo, because there are some hills and his little legs usually get tired about half way through. The stroller is definitely easier than carrying him, especially in 100+ degree heat!
So, we arrive and say hello to the turtles and fishies at the entrance and make our way in. First stop - the carousel. Who knew that a 2.5 year old would walk all the way around a carousel and pick the dolphin to ride on. Never mind the fact he was one of about 3 kids on the ride and could have picked just about any animal he wanted! LOL! It had to be the dolphin.
It was a wonderful day. We got to see one of the new cheetahs and (finally) the baby oranguatan! She's about 4 mos old now and so cute. And my son had a blast playing in the water fountain to take the edge off what was shaping up to be a really warm day. It took him a few minutes to get used to the water spraying up from the floor but once he did he really had a great time running from one part of the fountain to another.
The only thing that bothered me during our 2 hours at the zoo was all the pregnant bellies. Really! That's it. I mean just because every time I turned around there was another one walking by... It was like I had PGPS (Pregnancy GPS) or something! About half way through our walk I realized how much I was bothered by them. I really thought I was ok with the possibility of never being pregnant again. Guess I was wrong. I don't think I'll ever be ok with it.
Friday, May 26, 2006
A Surprise
So I was just searching for something in my "book bag" and I came across a little white box with a white ribbon on it. Treasure! It was the table favor from my cousin's wedding last weekend. I'd completely forgotten it was there! Inside the pretty little box were two Godiva hearts - one milk chocolate, one dark chocolate. Aaahhhhhh! Just what a PMSing woman needs to tide her over until lunch time:-)
Perchance to Dream
I must not be handling the stress of moving as well as I think I am.
Last night I had a dream that I was riding in a van (mini-van) with my parents, who aren't married to each other any more, my sister, BIL and their son, my son and my youngest sister. We were driving down the freeway, the sky was black and in the distance I could see a couple of tornados. At first I couldn't tell if they were actually on the ground but then my dad (who was driving) started to speed up. We were trying to make it to a hotel where we would find safety. I kept thinking just get inside to a hallway, no windows or doors. We finally pulled into (what in my mind was) a Holiday Inn. Specifically the one that is in the town I grew up in. Of course it didn't look like a Holiday Inn, more like an older roadside motel, but we had to get out of the car as the tornados were closing in on us. I distinctly remember hearing my dad say "Leave the bags in the trunk. I'll get them later". Of course me, being the pragmatist I am, had to get the diaper bag out with us, just in case. No one else was around and all the windows were open in the rooms. I woke up before we actually found a safe place, and before the tornados caught up with us.
So, being curious I did some quick searches online this morning about dreams. This is what I found on tornados. Of course I visited several sites and they all said basically the same thing. I'm no expert on dream interpretation and I'm not angry or being overly agressive about things but, given the state of my life the last couple of months, I would hazzard a guess that the tornados actually represent the stress I'm begining to feel.
Let's just hope I can continue to outrun any other tornados I see coming my way!
Last night I had a dream that I was riding in a van (mini-van) with my parents, who aren't married to each other any more, my sister, BIL and their son, my son and my youngest sister. We were driving down the freeway, the sky was black and in the distance I could see a couple of tornados. At first I couldn't tell if they were actually on the ground but then my dad (who was driving) started to speed up. We were trying to make it to a hotel where we would find safety. I kept thinking just get inside to a hallway, no windows or doors. We finally pulled into (what in my mind was) a Holiday Inn. Specifically the one that is in the town I grew up in. Of course it didn't look like a Holiday Inn, more like an older roadside motel, but we had to get out of the car as the tornados were closing in on us. I distinctly remember hearing my dad say "Leave the bags in the trunk. I'll get them later". Of course me, being the pragmatist I am, had to get the diaper bag out with us, just in case. No one else was around and all the windows were open in the rooms. I woke up before we actually found a safe place, and before the tornados caught up with us.
So, being curious I did some quick searches online this morning about dreams. This is what I found on tornados. Of course I visited several sites and they all said basically the same thing. I'm no expert on dream interpretation and I'm not angry or being overly agressive about things but, given the state of my life the last couple of months, I would hazzard a guess that the tornados actually represent the stress I'm begining to feel.
Let's just hope I can continue to outrun any other tornados I see coming my way!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Lunch
Today I had lunch with a group of clients, who I consider to be friends really. It was so much fun to be out of the office, away from my desk and pretty much stress free. We met up with their former boss, who is a great person. I love spending time with her. She has alot (I mean alot) of energy.
It's amazing how something as simple as lunch out of the office can really energize you, and make the day go by faster. I think I need to eat lunch away from my desk more often.
The other thing that came of this fun lunch was a realization that I'm better "connected" than I thought I was. I've been racking my brain about who I could get to write me a letter of recommendation for grad school. As we were talking, and they were quizzing me about the move, what I was going to do for the year we are in Seattle, etc., the former client/co-worker suggested a couple of names I could ask that would look GREAT as recs. Duh!! I didn't even think about them.
Sometimes it just takes a fresh pair of ears to help bring a problem into focus.
It's amazing how something as simple as lunch out of the office can really energize you, and make the day go by faster. I think I need to eat lunch away from my desk more often.
The other thing that came of this fun lunch was a realization that I'm better "connected" than I thought I was. I've been racking my brain about who I could get to write me a letter of recommendation for grad school. As we were talking, and they were quizzing me about the move, what I was going to do for the year we are in Seattle, etc., the former client/co-worker suggested a couple of names I could ask that would look GREAT as recs. Duh!! I didn't even think about them.
Sometimes it just takes a fresh pair of ears to help bring a problem into focus.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Bittersweet
This past weekend was bittersweet for my family. My son and I drove over to So. CA (along with my sister and her son) for a wedding. My cousin got married to a really nice girl. Our family - the extended family - LOVES weddings, it's one of the few times we are all in the same room at the same time. We get to catch up on what has been going on in each other's lives, eat yummy food, drink and dance to our hearts content. It's always lots and lots of fun.
So, with the boys being the troopers that they are, we set off dark and early Friday morning anticipating an uneventful drive over, which it was. We made really great time and ended up stopping at this little outlet mall place in Cabazon. We always say "We should stop there some time" but never do. The shops were closed but it was still nice to be able to stretch our legs a bit. Besides, we were very early for checking into our hotel.
Once we checked in we got in touch with a couple of family members. At the last minute my aunt, the mother of the groom, offered us to join them for rehersal dinner. We declined due to lack of appropriate dress. We didn't want to be the bumpkiss relatives showing up in shorts and t-shirts, lol. Turns out it was a good thing. The bride realized she'd forgotten "something blue". My sister and I took on the challenge of finding something less than 24 hrs before the wedding - at 6:00 pm.
Saturday morning dawned and we rangled our dad and step mother into joining us on one last ditch effort to find the blue thing. Success! As we were wrapping up our shopping trip I got a call from my grandmother on my cell phone. From that moment on the joy of the day was shattered by the news that one of her sisters, Aunt Jenny, passed away early on Saturday morning. I couldn't, and still can't, believe it! How? Why? We still don't know all the answers. All we know is she fell. Her son was there and couldn't catch her, and of course blames himself. No one else does. After all, would it really have made a difference if the cause was a stroke or something like that? No, I don't think so and I hope that he is able to find some peace once some time has passed.
So we hurried back to Grandma's house. We told my son, who was actually enjoying shopping for a change, that we had to go see Great-Grandma, that she was sad and needed hugs. The rest of the morning was spent remenissing about Aunt Jenny, and keeping my Grandmother occupied with other things.
The wedding was beautiful! The bride was radiant, the groom was handsome, the church smelled so wonderful with all the flowers. I think we managed to pull together as a family and make it a happy day for my cousin and his wife. It feels odd to say that...my cousin and his wife...I remember spending summers at my grandparents and playing in the back yard, my cousin irritating my sister because he used to follow her everywhere, lol. Soon enough it will be our kids playing together, irritating each other...
So, with the boys being the troopers that they are, we set off dark and early Friday morning anticipating an uneventful drive over, which it was. We made really great time and ended up stopping at this little outlet mall place in Cabazon. We always say "We should stop there some time" but never do. The shops were closed but it was still nice to be able to stretch our legs a bit. Besides, we were very early for checking into our hotel.
Once we checked in we got in touch with a couple of family members. At the last minute my aunt, the mother of the groom, offered us to join them for rehersal dinner. We declined due to lack of appropriate dress. We didn't want to be the bumpkiss relatives showing up in shorts and t-shirts, lol. Turns out it was a good thing. The bride realized she'd forgotten "something blue". My sister and I took on the challenge of finding something less than 24 hrs before the wedding - at 6:00 pm.
Saturday morning dawned and we rangled our dad and step mother into joining us on one last ditch effort to find the blue thing. Success! As we were wrapping up our shopping trip I got a call from my grandmother on my cell phone. From that moment on the joy of the day was shattered by the news that one of her sisters, Aunt Jenny, passed away early on Saturday morning. I couldn't, and still can't, believe it! How? Why? We still don't know all the answers. All we know is she fell. Her son was there and couldn't catch her, and of course blames himself. No one else does. After all, would it really have made a difference if the cause was a stroke or something like that? No, I don't think so and I hope that he is able to find some peace once some time has passed.
So we hurried back to Grandma's house. We told my son, who was actually enjoying shopping for a change, that we had to go see Great-Grandma, that she was sad and needed hugs. The rest of the morning was spent remenissing about Aunt Jenny, and keeping my Grandmother occupied with other things.
The wedding was beautiful! The bride was radiant, the groom was handsome, the church smelled so wonderful with all the flowers. I think we managed to pull together as a family and make it a happy day for my cousin and his wife. It feels odd to say that...my cousin and his wife...I remember spending summers at my grandparents and playing in the back yard, my cousin irritating my sister because he used to follow her everywhere, lol. Soon enough it will be our kids playing together, irritating each other...
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Welcome to My World!
I think my DH may finally be feeling the stress. I talked with him briefly this morning (as every morning) and could hear the stress in his voice.
He will be getting leave time before he heads overseas - about 8 days. As he was happily telling me all about it on Tuesday I reminded him that his leave starts the day before I was planning to hit the road, 2 yo and trailer in tow, for the big move to my dad's. I do believe I managed to crush his plans for a stress free leave;-)
Now he will get to come home to Arizona, help me finish packing stuff up in the trailer and then hit the road bright and early the next morning. I thought briefly about just flying him into Seattle and meeting him there a couple days later but that stressed me out, lol. I don't relish the idea of pushing through a 1300 mile drive in 2 days (which can be done by the way) with a two year old and a trailer. NOT going to happen.
So, as we tried to discuss plans last night DH got overwhelmed by the options and got mad at me. See, this is what happens when you leave the planning to an anal-retentive like myself! As soon as he called this morning I told him he was coming here first and we would drive up together. He is fine with this, his only request being that my dad still come down to help. Fair enough and luckily my dad is easily bribed by Mariner's tickets.
DH was still stressed when I hung up with him. I asked him what was wrong and he actually told me this! He wonders how we are going to get everything done in time. My answer...it will get done one thing at a time, just like I've been doing it for the last 5 or 6 weeks. Don't think any further ahead than we have to and we'll make it. Of course airplane ticket prices wait for no man, so I have to do that soon. But that's the easy part.
He will be getting leave time before he heads overseas - about 8 days. As he was happily telling me all about it on Tuesday I reminded him that his leave starts the day before I was planning to hit the road, 2 yo and trailer in tow, for the big move to my dad's. I do believe I managed to crush his plans for a stress free leave;-)
Now he will get to come home to Arizona, help me finish packing stuff up in the trailer and then hit the road bright and early the next morning. I thought briefly about just flying him into Seattle and meeting him there a couple days later but that stressed me out, lol. I don't relish the idea of pushing through a 1300 mile drive in 2 days (which can be done by the way) with a two year old and a trailer. NOT going to happen.
So, as we tried to discuss plans last night DH got overwhelmed by the options and got mad at me. See, this is what happens when you leave the planning to an anal-retentive like myself! As soon as he called this morning I told him he was coming here first and we would drive up together. He is fine with this, his only request being that my dad still come down to help. Fair enough and luckily my dad is easily bribed by Mariner's tickets.
DH was still stressed when I hung up with him. I asked him what was wrong and he actually told me this! He wonders how we are going to get everything done in time. My answer...it will get done one thing at a time, just like I've been doing it for the last 5 or 6 weeks. Don't think any further ahead than we have to and we'll make it. Of course airplane ticket prices wait for no man, so I have to do that soon. But that's the easy part.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Perspective
I'm struck today by the diffence in the way we see ourselves and the way other people see us.
Today I was interviewed (for lack of a better term) by a consultant. His firm was hired by one of our clients, who my department is being absorbed by, to find out what exactly each person in my department does, what are our biggest challenges, the things we like/dislike about our jobs, etc. Yet another reason I'm so very glad I've only got 5 weeks left in this job!
Anyway, as I'm talking to this consultant I realize that the perspective from which we are viewed by our clients is not at ALL what I expected. They really don't have a clue what we do or what the organizational structure is and how we fit into their organization.
I always thought it was pretty clear but hey, what do I know right?
So, as I sit back at my desk and perform my daily check on the blogs I "stalk" I come across a post from CK musing on a similar line of thinking. Of course her discussion is much more personal in nature but again I find myself amazed at the concept of perspective. We think we know how others perceive us, that who we are and what we do is obvious.
In reality it's not so obvious because the interactions we have with individuals are just that - individual. I may think every other client I work with knows what my department does but that's not true...that client only knows how they interact with us. Just like the personal interactions we have with people. Not everyone sees me the way I see me, and this is probably a good thing. LOL!
Today I was interviewed (for lack of a better term) by a consultant. His firm was hired by one of our clients, who my department is being absorbed by, to find out what exactly each person in my department does, what are our biggest challenges, the things we like/dislike about our jobs, etc. Yet another reason I'm so very glad I've only got 5 weeks left in this job!
Anyway, as I'm talking to this consultant I realize that the perspective from which we are viewed by our clients is not at ALL what I expected. They really don't have a clue what we do or what the organizational structure is and how we fit into their organization.
I always thought it was pretty clear but hey, what do I know right?
So, as I sit back at my desk and perform my daily check on the blogs I "stalk" I come across a post from CK musing on a similar line of thinking. Of course her discussion is much more personal in nature but again I find myself amazed at the concept of perspective. We think we know how others perceive us, that who we are and what we do is obvious.
In reality it's not so obvious because the interactions we have with individuals are just that - individual. I may think every other client I work with knows what my department does but that's not true...that client only knows how they interact with us. Just like the personal interactions we have with people. Not everyone sees me the way I see me, and this is probably a good thing. LOL!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Catching My Second Wind
I can't believe it's been a week since my last post. It feels like it's been a month!
Graduation was alot more fun than I anticipated. The all university commencement was last Thursday. I think we may have set the world record for the shortest commencement EVER. 1 hour and 30 minutes exactly. For a university graduating 7000+ seniors, masters and doctoral candidates on 3 campuses and two continents, that's pretty darn good!
My son and I tolerated the onslaught of family pretty well too. He only had one real meltdown - Sunday morning. Happy Mother's Day to me, lol. He survived rooming with me, relatives he hasn't seen in months, a baby in the house taking all of the attention that is usually his, a serious break in routine, commencement and convocation and travelling to 4 states in 5 weeks. Not to mention my DH leaving. My son is a trooper, that's for sure.
I haven't had alot of time to think about anything else, which is probably a good thing. I'm just now starting to look at getting boxes to start packing, getting a trailer hitch for the van, renting a trailer, and when should my last day in the office be. I also need to give official notice to my son's day care.
The fun part is, my calendar at work is pretty much booked between now and the end of June. I'm never booked more than 2 weeks in advance at any point during the year. How ironic.
Last night, after I'd rocked my son to sleep and put him in his bed, I sat down in the living room and realized, I don't have any homework to do! After 19 years of reading and researching, I can actually think about picking up a book to read for FUN! What a novel concept (no pun intended). The first thing on my reading list - a book recommended by an anthro professor several years ago. I bought it a couple summers ago and never got around to reading it. I may have to dig it out of the pile of crap on my kitchen table and see if it's as good as he said it was.
Graduation was alot more fun than I anticipated. The all university commencement was last Thursday. I think we may have set the world record for the shortest commencement EVER. 1 hour and 30 minutes exactly. For a university graduating 7000+ seniors, masters and doctoral candidates on 3 campuses and two continents, that's pretty darn good!
My son and I tolerated the onslaught of family pretty well too. He only had one real meltdown - Sunday morning. Happy Mother's Day to me, lol. He survived rooming with me, relatives he hasn't seen in months, a baby in the house taking all of the attention that is usually his, a serious break in routine, commencement and convocation and travelling to 4 states in 5 weeks. Not to mention my DH leaving. My son is a trooper, that's for sure.
I haven't had alot of time to think about anything else, which is probably a good thing. I'm just now starting to look at getting boxes to start packing, getting a trailer hitch for the van, renting a trailer, and when should my last day in the office be. I also need to give official notice to my son's day care.
The fun part is, my calendar at work is pretty much booked between now and the end of June. I'm never booked more than 2 weeks in advance at any point during the year. How ironic.
Last night, after I'd rocked my son to sleep and put him in his bed, I sat down in the living room and realized, I don't have any homework to do! After 19 years of reading and researching, I can actually think about picking up a book to read for FUN! What a novel concept (no pun intended). The first thing on my reading list - a book recommended by an anthro professor several years ago. I bought it a couple summers ago and never got around to reading it. I may have to dig it out of the pile of crap on my kitchen table and see if it's as good as he said it was.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Resolutions
Wow! Was I whiney or what last week? Hormones are such a wonderful thing (NOT!). The overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger and yes, even relief have now subsided a bit and I'm a little clearer in my thinking.
DH took the news of me not being pregnant pretty well. He was actually relieved in a way, which kind of threw me off at first. He said he was "kinda glad" simply because he wouldn't have to worry about how the pregnancy was going while he was half a world away. This I can understand.
And quite honestly, with everything else going on I guess I am a little relieved not to be pregnant too. I was miserable most of the first trimester with my son. I can't imagine trying to move across the country while battling morning sickness AND 100+ degree temperatures at the end of June.
That still doesn't erase the ache every time I see a pregnant woman, knowing that it will be another year before I can even think about trying to conceive again. But dwelling on what I don't have, instead of the incredible blessing that is my son, is not going to get it for me any faster.
So instead I will cherish all the fun things my son and I will be able to do this coming year. I will take lots and lots of pictures for my DH and I will work on losing the weight I desparately need to lose. Being healthier can only help at this point. Starting in June I will be walking more and eating less chocolate/sweets/fat. Yes, chocolate is its own category with me. LOL! The nice thing is, when I move home my sister will be there and we can encourage each other in our weight loss efforts.
It feels a little weird to be making "resolutions" in mid year but for me the new year is starting July 1.
Now, if I can just pass my final exam tomorrow...
DH took the news of me not being pregnant pretty well. He was actually relieved in a way, which kind of threw me off at first. He said he was "kinda glad" simply because he wouldn't have to worry about how the pregnancy was going while he was half a world away. This I can understand.
And quite honestly, with everything else going on I guess I am a little relieved not to be pregnant too. I was miserable most of the first trimester with my son. I can't imagine trying to move across the country while battling morning sickness AND 100+ degree temperatures at the end of June.
That still doesn't erase the ache every time I see a pregnant woman, knowing that it will be another year before I can even think about trying to conceive again. But dwelling on what I don't have, instead of the incredible blessing that is my son, is not going to get it for me any faster.
So instead I will cherish all the fun things my son and I will be able to do this coming year. I will take lots and lots of pictures for my DH and I will work on losing the weight I desparately need to lose. Being healthier can only help at this point. Starting in June I will be walking more and eating less chocolate/sweets/fat. Yes, chocolate is its own category with me. LOL! The nice thing is, when I move home my sister will be there and we can encourage each other in our weight loss efforts.
It feels a little weird to be making "resolutions" in mid year but for me the new year is starting July 1.
Now, if I can just pass my final exam tomorrow...
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Time's Up!
Today is the day I face the fact that my son may very well be an only child. It's an idea that makes me so very very sad. He has such a good soul (despite driving me batty every now and then) and would make such a good big brother. Every baby we meet loves him and he is so good with them. This was brought home to me the other night when we were visiting with some friends who have a 7.5 month old. My son was curious about him yet treated him gently and this baby just followed him everywhere.
And now it really looks like he will never get the chance to be a big brother. I'm not pregnant this cycle - again. Damn it! I hate that I waited so long to start having kids, and that we hesitated on getting pregnant again sooner. I feel like I've let him down somehow. I know he'll never know the difference but I know. I'm 37 years old, and by the time my DH gets home I'll be almost 39. I've set the "magic cutoff" as 40. I just can't run that risk - we're playing with borrowed time as it is. 9 cycles of trying to get pregnant. 9 cycles of temperatures and CM and analysing every twing and pang. 9 cycles of nothing. I still need to find a way to tell DH, though by now he's sure to have found the negative HPT in the bathroom trash can.
So this afternoon, in just a couple hours, we get on an airplane and head for Las Vegas where we get to spend the last couple of days with my DH before he goes for training. It will be two long months before we see him again. We will have moved out of our apartment and to another state. We will be living in someone else's home. And as quick as he's home he's gone again, to the Middle East and all the uncertainty that goes with it.
This just plain sucks. There's nothing like having your biological stopwatch hanging right in front of your face like this. And now I have to pull myself together enough to sit in a training session for the next two hours.
It sucks to be me again today. Wanna trade?
And now it really looks like he will never get the chance to be a big brother. I'm not pregnant this cycle - again. Damn it! I hate that I waited so long to start having kids, and that we hesitated on getting pregnant again sooner. I feel like I've let him down somehow. I know he'll never know the difference but I know. I'm 37 years old, and by the time my DH gets home I'll be almost 39. I've set the "magic cutoff" as 40. I just can't run that risk - we're playing with borrowed time as it is. 9 cycles of trying to get pregnant. 9 cycles of temperatures and CM and analysing every twing and pang. 9 cycles of nothing. I still need to find a way to tell DH, though by now he's sure to have found the negative HPT in the bathroom trash can.
So this afternoon, in just a couple hours, we get on an airplane and head for Las Vegas where we get to spend the last couple of days with my DH before he goes for training. It will be two long months before we see him again. We will have moved out of our apartment and to another state. We will be living in someone else's home. And as quick as he's home he's gone again, to the Middle East and all the uncertainty that goes with it.
This just plain sucks. There's nothing like having your biological stopwatch hanging right in front of your face like this. And now I have to pull myself together enough to sit in a training session for the next two hours.
It sucks to be me again today. Wanna trade?
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
A Better Day
I'm feeling a little less stressed today.
My presentation went well.
I have managed to cram 3 days worth of training session into 2.5 so tomorrow afternoon won't be hectic as I anticipated.
I've finally got a meeting set up with the woman I need to interview for my paper.
The storage unit is taken care of - and almost full thanks to DH and his big strong muscles moving stuff today.
And I did manage to get my new trial pair of contacts, which are working better but still not perfect. I think this is as good as it gets with them though. We'll see the week after next.
So tonight I get to go home, snuggle with my son and DH and relax a bit. This will be the first time in over two weeks I haven't had to do homework or be somewhere after work.
It doesn't suck to be me as much as it did two days ago...
My presentation went well.
I have managed to cram 3 days worth of training session into 2.5 so tomorrow afternoon won't be hectic as I anticipated.
I've finally got a meeting set up with the woman I need to interview for my paper.
The storage unit is taken care of - and almost full thanks to DH and his big strong muscles moving stuff today.
And I did manage to get my new trial pair of contacts, which are working better but still not perfect. I think this is as good as it gets with them though. We'll see the week after next.
So tonight I get to go home, snuggle with my son and DH and relax a bit. This will be the first time in over two weeks I haven't had to do homework or be somewhere after work.
It doesn't suck to be me as much as it did two days ago...
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Stressed? Who Me?
Last night was NOT one of my more stellar moments. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and ended up in tears, yelling at DH for something very rediculous.
It started after leaving work. We stopped by the storage unit office to see if we can get a larger unit this week. They can do it but I, and only I, have to transfer the contract and we only have 2 days to move the stuff out of the old unit and into the new one.
OK, fine! Except that I have class every day this week, I have to work - including finish teaching the training session I started yesterday, I have a presentation due tomorrow that I haven't even STARTED yet, my paper for said presentation is due on Weds next week, I still have to meet with a very nice lady whom I am going to use as a resource for said paper, we (DH and I) still need to meet with the lawyer to draw up a will, and all this needs to be done before we leave for Las Vegas next Tuesday! Because yes, that is where DH is leaving from for training.
Can we please try to cram one more bloody thing in? I'm exhausted from the very short and intense trip to NM, which in hind sight I probably shouldn't have gone on, and I'm sick.
Enter Sears, who for some fucking reason can't seem to understand the concept of I have to work during business hours and can't drop everything just to run over there and sit in the dr.'s chair for 10 sec. Honestly! I'm so tired of dealing with them...yes, this goes back to a month ago when I went to have my eyes examined and get new contacts. They still aren't right and are driving me crazy.
Someone please stop the world, I want to get off now!
It started after leaving work. We stopped by the storage unit office to see if we can get a larger unit this week. They can do it but I, and only I, have to transfer the contract and we only have 2 days to move the stuff out of the old unit and into the new one.
OK, fine! Except that I have class every day this week, I have to work - including finish teaching the training session I started yesterday, I have a presentation due tomorrow that I haven't even STARTED yet, my paper for said presentation is due on Weds next week, I still have to meet with a very nice lady whom I am going to use as a resource for said paper, we (DH and I) still need to meet with the lawyer to draw up a will, and all this needs to be done before we leave for Las Vegas next Tuesday! Because yes, that is where DH is leaving from for training.
Can we please try to cram one more bloody thing in? I'm exhausted from the very short and intense trip to NM, which in hind sight I probably shouldn't have gone on, and I'm sick.
Enter Sears, who for some fucking reason can't seem to understand the concept of I have to work during business hours and can't drop everything just to run over there and sit in the dr.'s chair for 10 sec. Honestly! I'm so tired of dealing with them...yes, this goes back to a month ago when I went to have my eyes examined and get new contacts. They still aren't right and are driving me crazy.
Someone please stop the world, I want to get off now!
Monday, April 24, 2006
Getting my Irish up
I don't know why I let it happen. We were having such a wonderful day on Saturday. DH, our son and I had gone to New Mexico to visit my IL. We had a great day, despite my son being 2 and refusing to eat dinner.
We've taken the stance that he eats what he's served or he doesn't eat. I know it sounds harsh but I don't like being a short order cook. And I've discovered that 9 times out of 10 he'll actually EAT if I don't bug him or offer something else.
So my MIL, bless her heart, starts in on "Can't he have just a little cake?" and "It won't hurt him to have a small piece".
OK, so I was going to cave and let him....until she started in. DH stepped in, bless his heart, and made a PB&J sandwhich, which he ate before allowing him some cake. And so it begins.....
We've taken the stance that he eats what he's served or he doesn't eat. I know it sounds harsh but I don't like being a short order cook. And I've discovered that 9 times out of 10 he'll actually EAT if I don't bug him or offer something else.
So my MIL, bless her heart, starts in on "Can't he have just a little cake?" and "It won't hurt him to have a small piece".
OK, so I was going to cave and let him....until she started in. DH stepped in, bless his heart, and made a PB&J sandwhich, which he ate before allowing him some cake. And so it begins.....
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Home Stretch
I'm in the home stretch toward graduation. Just about a week and a half left before finals. I've completed two of my three big projects and will be hitting my last paper and presentation hard this weekend. We will be at the IL so hopefully I'll be able to get some "me time" by DH taking our son out to play with the animals. The weather is supposed to be very nice so they can play outside alot, as long as the dogs leave them alone.
Now if I can just hold off this cold I feel coming on. Gotta love my son's ability to share his cold but not his Nemo fruit snacks!
Now if I can just hold off this cold I feel coming on. Gotta love my son's ability to share his cold but not his Nemo fruit snacks!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Life is Good
At least for now. I don't know how long this feeling will last, especially with AF quickly creeping into range and PMS sure to set in any day, but for now I'll enjoy it.
Part of my joy is most likely due to the fact DH is coming home tomorrow. Of course what waits for us at the end of the next two weeks is something I don't even want to think about, so being the good Scarlett O'Hara that I am, I won't!
Part of my joy is most likely due to the fact DH is coming home tomorrow. Of course what waits for us at the end of the next two weeks is something I don't even want to think about, so being the good Scarlett O'Hara that I am, I won't!
Monday, April 17, 2006
Perfect
So the visit to the dentist was a success. My son did wonderfully considering it was the first time he'd been to that office and also the first time someone other than me insisted on seeing his "teef". It looks like we might be in for braces down the road but that I expected. After all DH and I both had them. But the dentist said his teeth look perfect - good brushing, no cavities. And we don't have to come back for a year.
We flew out to CA to visit family for Easter weekend. One last visit before DH leaves. It was a perfect weekend. I got to spend time with my grand mother, who is in her 80's and expecting to die at any time (her thinking, not mine lol). It was nice to spend most of Friday together, it's something we haven't done in a long time. Saturday was less than perfect weather but a wonderful day for us as a family. We took in a movie, walked around a cute little "mall" and just spent time together. I wish all days could be like that. Soon enough...
Sunday was nice - but far from perfect. It would have been perfect if I could have sat at mass knowing that it wasn't a sad day for two of my virtual friends. I have my own struggles with God, that I won't go into, but I tried to get past that (and hope He is past it) enough to ask for two small miracles this coming year - one for S and one for K. I wish I could do more for them. They deserve more - more happiness....more perfect days.
We flew out to CA to visit family for Easter weekend. One last visit before DH leaves. It was a perfect weekend. I got to spend time with my grand mother, who is in her 80's and expecting to die at any time (her thinking, not mine lol). It was nice to spend most of Friday together, it's something we haven't done in a long time. Saturday was less than perfect weather but a wonderful day for us as a family. We took in a movie, walked around a cute little "mall" and just spent time together. I wish all days could be like that. Soon enough...
Sunday was nice - but far from perfect. It would have been perfect if I could have sat at mass knowing that it wasn't a sad day for two of my virtual friends. I have my own struggles with God, that I won't go into, but I tried to get past that (and hope He is past it) enough to ask for two small miracles this coming year - one for S and one for K. I wish I could do more for them. They deserve more - more happiness....more perfect days.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Open Wide
I have nothing of any real interest to say today. Hmmmm...could it be I really am as boring as I think I am?!
Actually, I do have one random thought that keeps flashing thru my brain. My son is going to the dentist for the first time today. I hate the dentist, it gives me the creeps to even think about going. I sure hope that I can spare my son that phobia. I work really hard not to transfer my fears and dislikes to him.
I'll have to let you know how the visit goes. It should be interesting given that he bites me any time I put my finger in his mouth (checking for teeth). I sure hope he doesn't bite the dentist!
Actually, I do have one random thought that keeps flashing thru my brain. My son is going to the dentist for the first time today. I hate the dentist, it gives me the creeps to even think about going. I sure hope that I can spare my son that phobia. I work really hard not to transfer my fears and dislikes to him.
I'll have to let you know how the visit goes. It should be interesting given that he bites me any time I put my finger in his mouth (checking for teeth). I sure hope he doesn't bite the dentist!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
I AM my mother
So I didn't quite find the time to make it here yesterday. Life got in the way. Funny how that happens. It's not like there was some earthshattering, ultra serious "thing" going on. Just the boring day to day stuff at work and at home.
I need to give props to my mom. I don't do it nearly enough and I've come to really respect her in the last few years. Strangely enough I now find myself not minding that I've become alot like her.
I've mentioned in passing that my dad was in the Navy - 20 years of service to our country. What is often times overlooked is the service (and sacrifice) of the family of the soldier, sailor or airman. These individuals - wives and children especially - are unsung heros. When I was a kid I hated being part of a military family. All the moving around we did was very difficult. I never realized how hard it was on my mother.
There are three kids in my family, myself and two younger sisters. We got along well for the most part. And my mom had to endure 2 different deployments with all three of us under foot. Both deployments got extended past their original date to come home. I remember the one during the Iran crisis in the late 1970's most. Yet thru it all, my mom never let us see how frazzled she had to have been. I know I'm frazzled with just my son, I can't imagine having to deal with 3 little ones. I don't ever remember seeing, or hearing, her cry or complain. She just did what she had to do to keep the house running, and us from killing each other;-)
So, now that I'm walking in her shoes, almost literally, I understand her better. I've had a great role model and I didn't even realize it. And she understands me in ways I don't even understand me. I consider her to be one of the strongest, bravest women I've ever met.
I need to give props to my mom. I don't do it nearly enough and I've come to really respect her in the last few years. Strangely enough I now find myself not minding that I've become alot like her.
I've mentioned in passing that my dad was in the Navy - 20 years of service to our country. What is often times overlooked is the service (and sacrifice) of the family of the soldier, sailor or airman. These individuals - wives and children especially - are unsung heros. When I was a kid I hated being part of a military family. All the moving around we did was very difficult. I never realized how hard it was on my mother.
There are three kids in my family, myself and two younger sisters. We got along well for the most part. And my mom had to endure 2 different deployments with all three of us under foot. Both deployments got extended past their original date to come home. I remember the one during the Iran crisis in the late 1970's most. Yet thru it all, my mom never let us see how frazzled she had to have been. I know I'm frazzled with just my son, I can't imagine having to deal with 3 little ones. I don't ever remember seeing, or hearing, her cry or complain. She just did what she had to do to keep the house running, and us from killing each other;-)
So, now that I'm walking in her shoes, almost literally, I understand her better. I've had a great role model and I didn't even realize it. And she understands me in ways I don't even understand me. I consider her to be one of the strongest, bravest women I've ever met.
Friday, April 07, 2006
TGIF
Today has been a day of getting absolutely nothing accomplished at work. It's the last day for one of my co-workers so we had a nice lunch for him, with cake and everything. This morning was spent putting out fires from yesterday but it wasn't anything that helped me get stuff done today. And this afternoon has been spent chatting with co-workers and catching up with "the boards."
I'm feeling so unmotivated to do work of any kind. I'd rather be home playing or out at the park with my son. It's a beautifully clear, warm day. Ah, well, tomorrow will be too, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...it is spring in Arizona after all! Soon enough we'll be running for the comfort of air conditioning trying to escape the 100+ degree temps that will be here all too soon. Even with that I think my DH is right, it's worth the trade off when we have spring days like today. The only thing that would make it better is if he were here to play with us.
I'm feeling so unmotivated to do work of any kind. I'd rather be home playing or out at the park with my son. It's a beautifully clear, warm day. Ah, well, tomorrow will be too, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...it is spring in Arizona after all! Soon enough we'll be running for the comfort of air conditioning trying to escape the 100+ degree temps that will be here all too soon. Even with that I think my DH is right, it's worth the trade off when we have spring days like today. The only thing that would make it better is if he were here to play with us.
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