Mags Moments of (In)Sanity

D Day!

2009-12-04T03:36:00.002-07:00

I can't believe it's finally here! Today I get to meet the littlest dude:-)

We are being induced a couple weeks early due to my BP staying up and the fact he's estimated to be between 7 & 8lbs right now. He was measured at 6.5lbs the day before Thanksgiving! Did the amnio on 12/1 and his lungs are mature. The swelling in my hands and feet is not going down as easily any more and I'm starting to spill protein.

I'm very excited and a little nervous too! We've waited so long for him to get here and had lots of heartache and tears. I know that we are so lucky to make it this far and I just want him to be in my arms.

DS is super excited, lol! He keeps hugging my belly saying "I want to hug my brother!" He is so sweet and I hope this is an easy adjustment for him. I guess I'm lucky he's a little older and I can talk to him about things and know he "gets" it, kwim?

Here's hoping things go smoothly!

Lesson Learned - I hope

2009-11-17T03:40:00.003-07:00

So, now that most of my family AND DH's family are on FB I can't really rant there so whoever still reads this is lucky to geta dose of pg hormonal ranting this morning....

Why do I have to be the only one with any common sense most days?! I mean really, is it so hard to listen to what your child is telling you and use the fucking phone to verify the information?! That's what cell phones are for, right? I'm not paying for minutes just so you can keep the damn thing in your pocket!

Now you might be wondering what set me off last night. It's stupid really, and most likely easy to fix. The school DS goes to did a fund raiser last month and the items came in yesterday. We sold quite a bit of things and there were (apparently) two bags of stuff for DS to bring home. Instead of just bringing them home, DH just decided that one of the bags couldn't be DS's and left it! OK, so you couldn't freaking read the tag that said he had 2 bags?! The kid told you both were his! You need to learn to fucking listen to your kid. Most often he knows what he's talking about and if you aren't sure USE THE FUCKING PHONE!

Even better, DS (being the almost 6yo he is) decided to open one of the boxes of candy before he got picked up yesterday. Sigh! And of course he didn't like it so he gave them to another kid at the after school program . The only "good" thing is, it was the candy my mom purchased and not one of the people at work. He apologized (with some prompting from DH) to my mom but we did have a talk about not getting into things until we are sure they belong to us.

What really pissed me off is this could have mostly been avoided if I'd been the one to pick him up. The candy thing would still be there but that's just one of those lessons.

I guess it comes down to - I hate that I have to rely on someone else to take care of my kid. Whether it's dropping him off, picking him up or anything else. It should be me. And yes, it's a control issue with me right now. I'll fully admit it. I've tried very hard to "just let it go" and let DH figure it out. But then we get into situations like this and I just think "I need to do it all or it won't get done right!" It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me, but it is what it is. And I guess part of my frustration with DH is, he just bulldozes thru and doesn't stop to ask questions until much later. If he'd just told me on the phone what happened I could have stopped by the school on my way home and gotten the other bag of stuff and this wouldn't be such a big deal.

And no, I haven't had the chance to talk to him about it. I was so upset last night all I could do was cry. DS was right there the whole time and so was my mom. I guess that's part of my frustration too. I needed some space to sort thru this and couldn't escape people.

I'm such a mess and I hate that! But that's a post for another day....

Bad Blogger!

2009-11-16T03:37:00.002-07:00

Yes, that's me....I've been a bad bad blogger. RL has just gotten in the way. Not an excuse, just the truth.

A quick update on us.....
Baby is doing well. We began 2x/wk monitoring and have not had any major issues come up. He's moving well and growing well - not too big so that's a good thing. My BP is pretty stable. It depends on whether I'm at my appt right after work or on the weekend some days, lol! Hmmmmm...think that means I need a new job?! My GD is pretty well under control too.

Had a scary day last week when I fell getting ready for work. Was in the bathroom and slipped on the wet floor. Luckily(?) I did the splits and went right down. Didn't hit my belly on anything and DH was there to literally pick me up off the floor. Still ended up with a pulled or torn muscle in my leg but if that's the worst I'll take it!

DH is headed back to work for a couple of weeks before he has to report to active duty again. Won't be as bad this time as he'll be posted in the US. I'll write more about this once we know when he's going. In the mean time he has to head back to his "real" job, which he's not looking forward to. I'm hoping they don't give him too hard a time (just generally speaking) and that he's able to get an OJT "trainer" who isn't a complete moron - tough to find in the department sometimes.

DS is very excited about his brother being born soon. He asks just about every day "When..." I finally got a chance to get him to go with me to an appointment and he asked the dr, lol! Seems we are in for an amnio to check lung maturity right around 12/1. After that we'll know more! Yikes! That's two weeks from now give or take a couple days.

The other exciting news for DS is he has a loose tooth! He's been playing with it for about a month now and it's finally getting loose enough that it's bugging him when he eats, lol! Looks like the toothfairy will be visiting our house before the year is out! What does a tooth go for these days anyway?

Not Exactly An Ideal Homecoming

2009-09-28T09:16:00.002-07:00

So DH came home on Thursday! Finally! It was a great day:-)

Friday, DS came down with the flu - swine flu. Oh, great! Luckily we caught it early and were able to get a course of tamiflu started. That stuff ROCKS! He's well on the mend and will be back to school tomorrow if he stays fever free today.

And my ob's on-call started me on a preventative course as well. Guess he sees pg ladies in the ER alot and it can get bad quickly if you don't keep an eye on it. Better safe than sorry. So far the rest of us have managed to avoid getting sick.

Poor kid has been cooped up in the house since Friday. He's got cabin fever and I'm sure will be glad to get back to class.

The GD is under better control now. They put me on oral meds and that seemed to do the trick, along with increased exercise.

Feeling pretty good now, just have an intense desire to run. Not sure why but there's no way right now, lol! 11 weeks and this kid will be here! OMG! Where has the time gone?

Referred

2009-09-03T20:12:00.002-07:00

I'm being referred to a perinatologist!

Ok, deep breath and I'll start from the beginning. I had my 3hr GTT a few weeks ago (5-6 weeks ago) and my numbers were a little high. No biggie, I expected it since I had GD w/DS. They gave me a monitor and I've been testing 4x/day for a month now and have seen little progress in keeping my numbers low. Now, I'll admit I haven't been getting a lot of exercise and am now making a huge effort to walk more during the day - treadmill and more errands at work. I'm also being more careful about my diet. This seems to be taking care of the daytime/post meal numbers.

What has me concerned is my first reading in the morning, right after I wake up. It's staying pretty consistently over 100. So I called my ob about a week ago and the doc was out. He got back earlier this week but I hadn't heard anything until today. I didn't think the numbers were THAT bad...

So now I'm a little freaked. Not alot, just a little. What else will they find wrong? What if we don't get the numbers under control? Is this going to kick start Type 2? What if...what if...what if.... I don't know when my appt is yet. They are supposed to call me next week.

I need a distraction and I think it's going to come in the form of DH coming home! We've got a preliminary timeframe of the last two weeks of Sept. LOL! That's helpful. So my mind has been making lists of things I need to get done before he gets home. Most of it is do-able (without over doing) with the exception of the painting. I'll leave that for him to do:-) It'll help him feel useful...riiiiiiggggghhhhhtttt! LOL!

DS is excited and has been for a while. Between having so much fun at school and getting ready for Daddy to come home I think he's going to go crazy! We're going to have to bust out the poster board and paints and make some signs next weekend.

Relief

2009-08-24T20:51:00.003-07:00

It's been almost 2 weeks of chiro treatments and I'm feeling much much better! It's amazing and I'm kicking myself for not doing this when I was pg w/DS. I still have pain but it's managible. I was very lucky to find this chiro. She's very nice and really listens to what I'm telling her.

I do believe DS has brought home the first round of "crud" from school. Luckily it's just a stuffy nose and cough and not flu. I'm hoping that it passes quickly!

No Such Luck

2009-08-11T19:38:00.002-07:00

Just when I thought I might escape the joy that is SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) today I realized that I'm just not that lucky. Today has been my most painful yet during this pregnancy. Not sure if it's fatigue making it worse or if it's just decided to kick in now. Either way I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with this.

I will say that it has taken longer to start up than last time. I think with DS I was in serious pain from about 15 weeks on. I'm now 21 weeks and have had only mild discomfort until today.

Think I'm going to have to find a chiro or something.

In other news, DH is still doing well and should be back in the US in Sept some time. No firm date, and don't expect one for some time yet. DS is really enjoying being a "school age" kid now:-) He likes his teacher, which is a plus, and is coming home tired every night, also a good thing.

Time Marches On

2009-08-04T20:05:00.002-07:00

I can't believe how quickly time is moving these days. DH will be home in just a couple months! It's been a long deployment but now the end is in sight. I'm sure DH is happier than I am he'll be home!

DS is now a "grade schooler". He started Kindergarten yesterday and, so far, loves it. He is adjusting well to his new school and classmates. Today's drop off was harder on me than on him. He ran onto the play yard and didn't look back until I called his name to wave to him. Sigh!

My 20 week u/s was a couple weeks ago - when I was 18 weeks, lol! Baby is growing well and all looks good. We are blue again, which had me disappointed for exactly 30 seconds before I was over myself:-) I'm just so grateful he is apparently healthy and this pg has been pretty smooth. My 3hr GTT results came back with slightly high numbers so they are considering me borderline GD. I knew it would happen and am ready to get to work getting my sugars under control.

Funniest Email

2009-07-17T02:34:00.002-07:00

So yesterday morning I was checking my email before work and noticed DH had sent me something. He usually passes on jokes and stuff so I was surprised to find a "real" email waiting. Apparently his roomie's anniversary is coming up and that got him thinking "Did I forget something...." So he emailed to apologize for forgetting (if he had forgotten), lol!

And yes, he did forget but so did I. I just can't get upset at stuff like that.

It's not ouir "real" anniversary anyway. I always remember May 13 as our anniversary - it's the day we met 9 years ago. I can't believe we've been together that long! We shoulda gotten married on that date but DH couldn't get leave. Once again our lives were dictated by the US Army.... but don't get me started on that one!

Anyway, he apologized and promised to take me out to dinner when he gets home. Of course by then I'll be big as a house and unable to enjoy the beer I've been craving. Besides, I got the best present a person could ask for this year....

A Loss Is A Loss

2009-07-09T18:37:00.004-07:00

no matter what species you are. I've been thinking about this "topic" alot lately. Over the 4th of July weekend I met yet another mom who has recently suffered a loss, and she really made an impact on me though I never expected it. I know she won't mind if I share her story with you all.

DS, my mom and I went to visit the IL over the long weekend. Before we left my MIL mentioned that one of their dogs, Abby, was due to have puppies any day. When we got there a few days later sure enough, she had given birth to 9 puppies(yes, my eyes bugged out too at the thought of 9 babies) the day before. Everyone was very excited though we hadn't had a chance to get a good look at them.

Saturday morning, my FIL went out to check on the new family and much to all of our disappointment two of the precious little pups had died. Abby still wouldn't let anyone get close enough to any of the babies, let alone remove the two that had passed.

FIL, being the gentle worrier he is, decided the new mom and babies needed a slightly bigger house so that they didn't lose any more babies. So, at 7am we set to work building. A couple hours later the old houses were gone and the new house was ready to be occupied.

Abby, however, was going nowhere without ALL her babies. My FIL had managed to get the 7 surviving pups moved into the new house but Abby took hold of one of the dead pups and would NOT let it go. She'd dug a hole in one corner of her enclosure to help her keep cool and she retreated to the hole with the baby, whimpering the whole time. She put the pup down and picked it up several times, crying as she did so.

It was so sad to see her mourning her babies like that. I wanted to go in there and just sit next to her, pat her head and cry with her. But I couldn't because she doesn't really know me and I didn't want to stress her out any more than she already was.

Luckily my FIL didn't force her to give up the baby. He let her give it up on her own and retrieved the body a few hours later. Even though the bodies were gone she continued to look for the babies the whole weekend.

What struck me during this whole time was how gentle she was with the baby and how she was determined to not give up on that baby. I've heard of, and seen, grieving behavior in higher order animals (primates, elephants, etc) but I was so touched and amazed that a dog would exhibit similar grieving behaviors.

Some people might say - well she wasn't really grieving, just exhibiting a natural instinct to preserve her species. But isn't that what we all are doing when we love and nurture our children, and when we mourn the loss of a child. I know that I not only mourned the physical loss of my babies but the potential each of them would have brought to this world. I looked into Abby's eyes that morning and saw that she too mourns the loss of those puppies, even if she doesn't fully understand like we do.

Scared

2009-06-27T11:44:00.002-07:00

Anyone have any experience with eating disorders? Oh, I'm not talking about me;-) I'm too in love with my carbs to purge or not eat at all. I have a friend who is really struggling right now and I'm at a loss how to help her.

We met in college (the first time around). We were roommates for 3 years, sorority sisters, and I never knew she was suffering like that. After she graduated we lost contact for a while and during that time her ED really flaired up. She's been thru treatment a few times, most recently about 6 years ago or so. We reconnected because the center she was at is here in AZ. But we still aren't as close as we were 20 years ago.

Anyway, we stay "updated" via FB and she's posted some notes that really have me worried. She's in therapy still so I know she won't end up as bad off as she was before (at least I hope not). I just wish we were closer so I could help her! I'm not a therapist, nor do I play one on tv, but just being able to spend time with her. Give a hug when she needs it, and a shoulder when she needs to cry. I hate that she feels like she has to do this alone.

And yes I know she does have to do this alone (for the most part). I know I can't fix it for her. I just hate that she has to...

Whew!

2009-06-23T19:48:00.002-07:00

So, I had my dr appt today and got the results of the NT scan we had done on June 10. Bloodwork was good and the scan results were good too. They estimate our chances of DS at 1 in 5,000 which is pretty darn good! Because they didn't see anything of concern on the u/s we will opt out of the amnio for now. I'll have bloodwork done at my next appt and they will run an AFP just to be sure. Gonna do the 1hr GTT as well(yucky).

Also gonna get another u/s (most likely my last one for a while) and hopefully this kid will cooperate:-) For the NT baby was sleeping when we got started and I had to walk around a little to wake it up, lol!

So all in all feeling much more confident about this pregnancy. I know, you're probably thinking - Uh, your 14 weeks now! Chill out! Problem is, I know this and statistically it's unlikely something will go wrong but I know that the possibility is still there.

Don't worry, I don't dwell on it but I do think alot about the mommies I know who don't get to hold their babies/children because that one in a million chance happened to them. I'm doing my best to enjoy everything about this pregnancy because I know it will be my last and I'm very very lucky to be pregnant.

2009-06-07T16:48:00.002-07:00

OK, so I'm a slacker. Time just gets away from me these days. Overall I'm feeling good, still tired and the nausea is still hanging around though not as severe. I'm not complaining though! It is all worth it. I have my NT scheduled for the middle of this week. Can't wait to get that out of the way! Then my regular appt at the end of the month.

DS is getting used to the idea of being a big brother. It's still not "real" to him though. Probably won't be until I start showing more - one of the down sides of being big to begin with. We've had several conversations about when the baby comes. The most interesting one was yesterday morning. He asked if he gets to stay with me and the baby:-( I told him of course he does, and Daddy too.

He's such a funny kid. He is taking swim lessons at the Y now. I love watching him swim. I really think he could be caught up with other kids his age by the end of summer. We've got a membership there and have gone to the pool several times. He just loves being in the water!

We Have A Heartbeat!

2009-04-29T21:14:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was my "intake" appointment. They did the usual - pap, bloodwork and pee in a cup. They also got me in for an ultrasound, which I was hoping for. I had to wait all day for it but I was determined to know either way. So at 4pm I was back and in the u/s room. She put the scanner "thingy" on my abdomen and found little bean almost right away and there was a heartbeat! I burst into tears, which I'm quite sure didn't help her take measurements. I did try to hold still!

What a relief! I know that the chances of another miscarriage is now pretty low but we are still being "close to the vest" with this news right now. I've told my mom since she's living with me, just in case. I've also told my supervisor at work in case something happens there. Beyond that only my online friends know.

Ummmm.....

2009-04-23T05:09:00.003-07:00

Remember how I was freaking out a couple months ago about the surgery DH had and the possible fertility issues it could cause for us? Well, ummmmm, apparently it's not really an issue.

AF should have been here the day DH left to go back overseas. However, when he left she still hadn't shown so I figured, oh, good another 40 day cycle (not!) After all, when you POAS and it says Not Pregnant you kinda just toss it in the trash and move on, right?

Well, cd40 came and went and still no AF. I called my doc and made an appt. They immediately did some blood work and lo and behold - an hcg count of 696! OMG!!! The follow up blood draw was almost double after 36 hrs. Holy crap!

So now we are putting the plan we worked out last year into action - baby asprin and prog supps. I have my next appt on Tuesday. Don't know if they will do an u/s, but I'm hoping! I wasn't temping or anything this cycle so I have NO idea when I O'd.

Over all I'm feeling pretty good. Mild nausea has hit but the fatigue isn't too bad. Of course I don't have time to really think about it like I did with DS:-) That's a good thing because then I can't obsess over every little thing.

We haven't told anyone IRL yet. Just playing it safe until we see a heartbeat. DH is cautiously excited. He admitted to me yesterday that he was very nervous, and I can't say I blame him. I'm feeling the same way.

OMG!

2009-04-13T21:32:00.002-07:00

I didn't realize it's been 2 mos since my last post. Wow! What a slacker! Quite a bit has happened so I'll do the reader's digest version update...

We got another dog but are not keeping him. He's a young beagle(@2yo) and very very beagle! I don't have the time or energy to devote to him and it's not fair so we are giving him back to the rescue group this week.

DH came home and we had a GREAT visit. He's been back overseas for about a week now. I can't wait until he's home for good. DS really misses him!

Because of the dog, I've been getting out for at least a 1 mile walk/run every day - except for the week I injured both my knees when the dog decided to make running a contact sport. Sigh! Luckily I was wearing sweat pants and didn't do any major damage, just bruised and needing to grow back about 10 layers of skin on my knees. I'm planning to keep up the walk/run every day. It's been really good for my waistline:-)

My mom had knee surgery the other day (arthoscopic) and is recovering nicely. I'm glad because she's been hurting for so long! She injured her knee when we moved and we discovered it was a stress fracture and tears in two ligements!

DS has started playing tee ball and is having a blast! He's pretty good at the basics and I'm hoping he'll want to continue next year. DH practiced with him when he was home and they had so much fun:-)

I think that's about it. I promise to post a little more often!

Can I Confess...

2009-02-08T20:54:00.002-07:00

that I'm so tired of being sick and tired. Yes, that's the same line I used in my FB status a few days ago but it's still true.

that I miss my DH terribly and am looking forward to his coming home in a few weeks on R&R.

that I got very frustrated by DS tonight at dinner. I'm very tired of hearing "I don't like/want that for dinner". It's really grating. I'm not a freaking short order cook and don't aspire to be one!

that despite my losing my cool he still wanted to snuggle with me after his bath and fell asleep in my lap. I love that!

that I haven't gotten out for another hike yet. This cold has been kicking my butt and the weather here hasn't been very good, well not good for us, lol.

that I am seriously going to get up and on the treadmill in the morning.

that I HATE how fat I've gotten in the last couple months and I am going to lose all that weight and more.

Hikes

2009-01-29T22:50:00.002-07:00

I've decided that DS and I will be getting out to hike at least 2 times a month. The park system around here is pretty good and they have ranger led hikes that are tailored to kids DS's age. Tonight we went on a night hike. I was worried DS wouldn't make it because he was so tired. I'm glad he did because it was a beautiful night for hiking! The sky was clear and the stars were so bright! Just amazing!

I love hiking and have not been able to get out to do much the last few years. I got started back in college (the first time around) when I worked at a summer camp. I'm hoping DS will develope a love for it too!

OK, time to quit wasting time online and get some bills paid...

Cleaning

2009-01-18T21:45:00.002-07:00

I got the carpets cleaned on Saturday! It was not as difficult as I anticipated, mostly because I cleaned around the big furniture instead of moving it, lol. Lazy I know but I don't have help to move the big stuff.

On the TTC front I got some not so great news from DH. It seems that one of the "side effects" of the surgery he had done is (drum roll please!) not being able to produce sperm on that side! Yup, and of course he just kind of casually mentioned it in the middle of a conversation like he was telling me what he had for lunch. Oh, yes, I was not a happy camper. Like we don't have enough challenges now we have this. We don't know for sure that that happened but with my luck it did.

Supposedly the Army/VA will "help", though I'm not sure what he means by that - if it's just with fertility testing or if they will go farther and help with AI. And I'm not sure I WANT to go that route. I have enough trouble with the hormones I have, thank you very much, I can't imagine adding more. So, like everything else these days, we just have to wait and see.

Moving On

2009-01-12T21:48:00.002-07:00

Well, it's been a couple of weeks and we are doing our best to move on. We've started to really clean up the house so we can think about bringing home a new fur baby in a few weeks. DS is finally understanding that Scruffy won't be coming home. He was very confused at first. We do talk about it when he wants to. The other day he told me he didn't want our new puppy to go to the dr because he wanted it to come home. Sigh! I had to remind him that drs are a good thing (for the most part) and that the dr was not why Scruffy couldn't come home.

I still need to steam clean the carpet in just about every room in the house but it will be worth it to know that the virus is gone. That is the plan for the long weekend. Then we just need to give it a few more weeks and we can start looking for a new friend for DS.

He starts Tball in a few weeks too! We signed up on Saturday. Both of us are very excited:-) I'll post a pic once he gets out on the field.

Rainbow Bridge

2008-12-27T12:14:00.001-07:00

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

In memory of Scruffy, who was in our home for a week and will be in our hearts forever.

Post Christmas blahs

2008-12-26T08:54:00.003-07:00

I've got a touch of the post Christmas blahs. It's normal for me so I'm not worried.

We did get a dog last weekend! He's the cutest little guy, estimated at about 8 or 9 mos old. He's a beagle/schnauzer mix, or so they think. DS loves him! His name is Scruffy.

Poor Scruffy has been feeling a little under the weather the last couple days. We think he's got Kennel Cough and the vet gave us some meds for him. He's now giving me a hard time about taking the pills so he's feeling better, though not 100%. The coughing is much less than it was too. I feel so bad for him as I know he's not comfortable!

In other news, DH is having the cyst removed tomorrow. I wish I could be there with him. I'm very nervous for him. He agreed to ask them to biopsy it, which is good. Part of me can't help wondering if this might be the reason we've had trouble getting pg the last year or so. Guess we'll have our answers soon enough.

200 Posts Prove My Insanity

2008-12-14T10:03:00.003-07:00

I just realized that this is my 200th post! OMG, how on earth did I do that?! I've never been one for "journaling", though I've tried on a number of occasions. I guess because this doesn't really seem like journaling.

Anyway, there's not much new going on here lately. Just trudging along and counting the days til DH comes home. I'm actually glad I have this place because there is something DH told me that has me a little worried. He'd kill me for putting this out there but it's not exactly something you can talk about with family, iykwim.

He went to the "clinic" the other day because he's having pain in his back that is radiating from his testicle. He's always had this "bump" and has had it checked several times and each time the dr has said, it's just a cyst. So I guess the pain got to be too much for him over the last couple weeks and he finally went in. They did an ultrasound and the tech said it's "just a cyst" but they are going to send him to another medical facility to have it removed. He didn't know whether they were going to have it biopsied - I want him to request it to be sure we aren't dealing with something more serious. Whether he will or not is another story. Sigh!

DS is very excited for Christmas. I'm seriously thinking about getting a dog(yes I'm crazy that way). My husband has a "thing". Life doesn't get much better than this....

5 Years Ago Today

2008-12-01T03:34:00.002-07:00

I was sitting in a hospital bed in L&D anxiously awaiting the arrival of my DS. I was up most of the night but in very little pain thanks to the epi:-)

Tonight I'm up again and DS is right next to me after kind of a rough night. Not sick just not sleeping well.

I'm so lucky to be his mommy. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy my little angel boy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-26T23:27:00.002-07:00

There's so much to be thankful for this past year I don't know where to start so I'll just list a few things...

DS is almost 5 and the sweetest little boy. He's happy and healthy, what more could I wish for.

My DH is safe despite having to deal with PTSD, difficult work conditions and being sent back into a war zone.

We have a beautiful new home despite the econonmic difficulties going on right now.

Now if I could only get some sleep.....

Randomness

2008-11-20T21:58:00.002-07:00

There has been so much going on the last 4 weeks that time has completely gone past me!

We've been in our house for a month now. A MONTH! I can't believe it. I do have pics but need to find the cable to get them downloaded. I promise I will look for it this weekend:-)

DH has come and gone, and gone. He's somewhere between the east coast of the US and the Middle East as we speak. The Army did let him come home for a few days last week and it was wonderful! DS was so happy to see him and spent the entire time following him like a little shadow. I wish there was a way to make this easier on him.

Work is work. I'm not so overwhelmed as I was but it's always something new every day.

So, nothing "exciting" happening, just plodding along and getting thru each day. Now if I can just shake this cold DH left behind....

Remembering

2008-10-15T20:31:00.003-07:00

To my angels...I miss you and love you with all my heart. I will always wonder who you would have become if you'd stayed with us.

I'm thinking of all those who have lost their babies to miscarriage or after their birth.

It's Been How Long?!

2008-10-02T20:37:00.004-07:00

OMG! I can't believe it's been a month since my last post - a very busy month. Let's see...

DH is now at his training post on the east coast. He's been gone for a little over a week now and it's been tough. DS is missing Daddy very much, as am I. We did have a "romantic" get away weekend before he left. We got a hotel room for Fri and Sat night and scheduled some family time as well as spending some time together before he left. It was nice.

The new job is going well, keeping me very busy. I've learned so much I've got information leaking out of my ears!

I suppose part of the reason I've kept so busy lately is because I should be welcoming home a new little baby and getting adjusted to having two kids. My due date with my last pg was the 20th of Sept. Instead I'm trying very hard not to dwell on what should be and focus on the good in our lives. It doesn't help that DS has developed a fascination with babies lately.

I'm going to admit to doing something many people will consider foolish but it really did help me feel better. There is a man named James VanPraagh who is a "psychic" I've followed for many years. He's best known for communicating with those who have crossed over. If you are a fan of the tv show Ghost Whisperer you know who I'm talking about (it's based on his work). Anyway, he was on the radio a couple weeks ago with some local personalities and I managed to call in and talk to him. He said he felt I would be pg again. I know some would say it's false hope but it really did help me reaffirm my decision to just let things happen this year and see where we end up.

The final piece of good news is about our house. We got final approval on our loan and will be closing on the 16th of the month! I'm so freaking excited!! What a load off my mind about that as well. I promise to post some pics this weekend.

Reflecting

2008-09-08T20:30:00.002-07:00

It's amazing how easy it is to drop out of touch with friends, at least for me. I had a great conversation with one of my sisters today - one I haven't talked to since before Christmas. I love her, we just have very busy lives these days and I haven't had a chance to spend time with her in a while. She's got a very energetic 2yo and I've had a very busy schedule this past year.

Amazingly we ended up talking for almost an hour today! She and her husband have been going thru some TTC "stuff" and we commiserated. It felt good and helped me actually vocalize what I've been thinking - I'm going to just let things unfold this year and re-evaluate our situation once DH gets home next fall.

As for the new job, it's keeping me busy! I can't take my cell phone in (security reasons) and can't get online while at work (again security) but that's ok. There is so much work to do and stuff to learn that there is no way I'd have time for playing on the boards. It's very interesting work and I'm learning so much. By the end of the day I feel like I'm leaking information out my ears! LOL!

Up to Me

2008-08-16T15:46:00.002-07:00

So, DH and I had a not so long conversation the day before yesterday about whether or not to continue TTC. Basically he's left it all up to me to decide if/when I've had enough. Of course, it's kind of hard to really talk when you are sitting in a bar with a bunch of people sitting around you listening to all the conversations in the immediate area. Sigh!

I'm leaning toward just relaxing and letting whatever happens happen for now. If DH is home at the right time this cycle then great, if not then maybe next cycle, or in the spring when he's home for R&R. Once he gets home then we can revisit the conversation if we need to.

Here is the conversation that goes on in my brain...I know that many women have gotten pg and had perfectly healthy babies after 40. I just can't help but feel like we are pushing our luck though. I mean, after the last m/c and all the drama that went along with that can I really go thru it again if something goes wrong? And I'd have to do it w/o DH...

OK, so I'm pretty much ready to be committed now. The only question is, do they have those cute little white coats in my size?

Moving Right Along

2008-08-12T09:51:00.002-07:00

Wow! We have a house! This was taken on 8/7. The house next to us, that you can sort of see, was started about 2 weeks before ours. I'm so flocking excited:-)

Sorry the quality of the pic isn't that great. I forgot my digital camera so had to use my phone.

Almost 40

2008-08-02T11:10:00.003-07:00

Yup, believe it or not, I'm almost 40. Normally birthdays don't mean much to me. It's just a number after all, right? But this year it's more than that - it's the end of my time TTC another child. And I'm not sure I can stick to my resolution to move on once Dec 20 rolls around.

After all, it's not like we've had all of the last 5 years to continuously try for another baby. And it's not like we'll have the next 4 mos to keep trying. DH is starting his training this month and, while he'll be in the same state he'll be gone more than he'll be home. I can't count on him being here "when it's time", kwim?

I can't help feeling gyped! It's not fair that I don't get that time! It's not fair! It's not fair!

And in the back of my mind I keep thinking, if I bend my "rule" a little and we let ourselves slide one more year then we'll at least have DH's R&R (possibly) and the 3 mos once he gets back to try.

But do I really want to run that risk? Who's to say that my body hasn't already started shutting down the baby factory?! Look what has happened already this year. And how am I ever going to apologize to my DS for not being able to give him the little brother he wants.

Foundation

2008-07-29T12:27:00.003-07:00

So we almost have a foundation now! We stopped by to show my SIL and BIL the dirt and were shocked to see that the houses next to us on both sides have almost been completely framed out! The lot directly next to us has also been sold and we were happy to find out it is a single story as well. Woohoo!!!

House Update and More

2008-07-22T09:27:00.003-07:00

So, we got our permits back about a week ago. Now we are waiting for construction to begin! DH drove by on Saturday and said they had staked out the foundation, but didn't take any pics. My SIL is coming in on Friday so I'm sure we'll be taking a trip out on Saturday to see the house so I'll get pics then;-)

Last weekend was a little overwhelming for me. DH had his last drill weekend before they begin training for the deployment. DS and I went on Sunday because they were doing family briefings on what we need to get done and what is going to happen. Not much in the way of solid dates, etc yet. So much paperwork to do! And of course it was pretty emotional too. I didn't let DH see me cry though. I'm so nervous about this, even though we've done this before.

I could use some "find a new full time job quickly" vibes. I really would like to get a straight out full time job. As much as I love working at the zoo, working two jobs has been tough. I think my body has finally said ENOUGH because I've now got a horrible head cold.

Our Dirt

2008-06-30T20:25:00.003-07:00

We did decide to go with the new build house. We signed the contract on Saturday and hopefully the permits will be done quickly. It's been averaging 28 days - not too bad but we'd like to get going ASAP.

So, here's our dirt! The houses behind the fence are on the other side of the street and there are no houses going to be built right in front of us as there's a common area. We got a pretty good lot! I'll bore you with update pics as the building process goes along;-)

House Update and More

2008-06-26T15:17:00.003-07:00

My mom has now moved in with us. This is in prep for DH leaving. She will be staying with us until he gets back, most likely. It's all good. We get along well and it will be nice to have some help with DS while DH is gone. All the Army's plans still call for him to be overseas by mid to late Oct.

As for the house, well, we still haven't found a re-sell house that we like. We thought about bidding on one of the ones from the week before last but it was going to end up out of our price range.

So, we took a look at some new build houses. I was very impressed and we will most likely go that route. The only down side is going to be that the house won't be ready til Oct at the earliest. Sigh! DH will be long gone and we'll have to hire a mover to help with the big stuff.

Venting

2008-06-18T03:01:00.003-07:00

Why is it that men are so dense? I mean seriously! I really wish we were like some species in the animal kingdom that can reproduce without actually needing the help of a male. Then I wouldn't be subject to the "I'm tired" and "You never want to when I want to" bull shit.

So today, well technically yesterday, I was going to get the bd fest going. It's kind of hard to do when your 4yo decides to fight going to sleep but I waited patiently until DH was done being suckered into one more story.

Finally, when DS had calmed down enough to even think about any bding, DH decides that he is more interested in working on the computer. What the hell?! And, the best part, he actually said "How come you only want to when it's time to ovulate and not when I want to?" Oh....my....God! So that effectively ended that! I was so pissed I said fine, whatever, and went to bed.

To answer your question, dumbass, it's not that it's never when you want to, it's that you are too tired, or it's the wrong time of day (?!), or the idea of being pawed at when you decide to come stumbling to bed at 4am and I have to be up at 6am for work just isn't going to cut it! I just want to scream!

And, so now I'm up at 3am with O pains, knowing that my sisters and my mother will be decending on us starting tomorrow and no chance in sight for this cycle. Not even an outside chance.

Just fucking great! This leaves us one cycle left before DH is deployed. Sigh! I'm less and less hopeful that baby number 2 is going to happen.

House 2 Update

2008-06-12T18:10:00.002-07:00

So, house 2 wasn't much better. Actually, the house was ok, it was the neighborhood that was the problem. Sigh! It was showing some water damage on the outside of the house but I loved the space in the kitchen!

We have 12 more houses we've asked to see. Hopefully one of them will be the right mix of house and neighborhood.

House Hunt Update 1

2008-06-09T21:30:00.002-07:00

I'm sure you'll all be bored to tears by the time we finally find a house, lol!

So we only got to see one of the houses today. The first one we were supposed to see we had to reschedule. The resident's child was sick. OK, fine, I understand a sick kid and not wanting to take them out.

The second house was a disappointment, to say the least. It would have been perfect had the previous owner not decided to convert the garage into the 4th "bedroom" and leave holes in the walls of said room. Yup, big gaping holes. And who knows if they actually got the necessary permits for the conversion of the garage. The tile floors and bathroom fixtures were pretty beat up and the ceiling fans all need to be replaced, as does the carpet in the entire house. Sigh! And that's just the starat of the things in the notes we made after we left. This house was built in 2003. The realtor was just as shocked as we were at the condition of the house. The listing didn't fully disclose the condition of the house. And, it's lender owned so there's no guarantee it would be fixed up if we wanted to buy the house.

This isn't as shining a start to this process as I'd hoped. I need to see if we can get out an look at a few more over the weekend.

Night Time Success

2008-06-08T09:24:00.002-07:00

So, we've now gone a week with no pullups and so far so good (knock on wood!). I'm so glad. The whole night time potty training thing was, and still is, a worry for me and DH. DH will kill me for posting this but he had some "issues" until he was well into grade school. I know it's a relief to him that DS seems to be having a pretty easy time of potty training.

Tomorrow we go see the two houses I mentioned the other day. I can't wait! I'm so excited.

The First Steps

2008-06-02T18:06:00.002-07:00

So, we've gotten the house buying show on the road. We got our pre-approval amount from the lender and I've already been scowering the websites to see what houses might be available in our price range. I sent two to the realtor today:-) I can't wait to go see them! I hope they look as good in person (or better of course)!

In other news, DS is in the process of night time potty training. I know, he's 4.5 years old (OMG!) and should have been out of pullups already but I'm a wussy, lol! So we've had two nights without an accident. I'm hoping this is a permanent thing. I know there may be accidents along the way but we're off to a good start!

She's Here!

2008-05-29T18:50:00.002-07:00

The most wonderful news I could have gotten today was that Sher and Mike are holding their sweet baby girl Megan in their arms as we speak. I'm so incredibly happy for them:-) She is healthy and both she and her Mommy are doing wonderfully.

Things are right with the world right now.

A Big Day

2008-05-28T21:27:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow, Thursday the 29th, is a big day for an OL friend. She is going to be giving birth to her DD "Gummy". I'm so very excited for her and her husband. This is their second child. Their first, Ryan, was born with heart defects. You can read their story by following the Sherry link under my blog stalking spots.

Sher, my fellow oldster, I'm sending all the PPT I can muster for you and Mike. I know you must be so nervous and excited tonight. I can't wait to meet your little Gummy!

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T19:19:00.002-07:00

It's been a wonderful day with DH and DS. We went to lunch and then to play a round of miniature golf. DS had a blast, as I knew he would.

And in the back of my mind I couldn't help letting that thought come thru...the possibility that next year we could be spending it at the national cemetary. I hate when those thoughts come sneaking in. I feel like I'm jinxing DH in some way. I just pray that he comes home safely, along with everyone over there.

Freak Out

2008-05-14T20:13:00.003-07:00

No, there's nothing wrong with DS or DH. I'm admitting here that I'm a little freaked out, and very excited, about beginning the search for our house. I can't wait to get out of this apartment. It's nice but small and I don't care for the management team. They are completely clueless! And, I'm tired of worrying about what the neighbors can hear, and what we are hearing from the neighbors. But with the economy the way it is I'm pretty nervous. I just need to learn to trust that all will be ok. We know our limitations and won't get sucked in to more than we can afford.

Now, some easy house hunting vibes would be appreciated.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-10T14:51:00.002-07:00

I have to work tomorrow so I'll wish all my friends a Happy Mother's Day today. I'm thinking of you all and I hope you are showered with love and lots of attention tomorrow. You all are such wonderful Mommies and I learn so much from you.

And for those Mommies who are not able to hold their children and be showered with their sweet kisses first thing in the morning, I wish you a peaceful day. I know your babies are looking down at you and are with you always.

Disney Pics - As Promised

2008-05-03T09:11:00.003-07:00

Here they are! Enjoy!

Disneyland 2008

Catching Up

2008-05-01T20:26:00.003-07:00

Wow! Where has the time gone? Ok, so most of it was spent in DL since the last time I blogged. I can't think of a better way to spend time than in DL, can you? ;-)

Our trip went really well, considering DH complained about the crowds the whole first day we were there. I mean really, it could have been worse - we could have done this in July! We had a great time and did everything we wanted to do in both parks. DS had a fabulous time riding rides and meeting Mickey Mouse. I thought he was going to bust a gut when we finally got to take a pic with Mickey. It made the whole trip worth while! I do have pics and will get them posted eventually. I need to "massage" them a little and then I'll get them put on the boards, I promise.

The ttc front is nothing new to report. I'm thinking I'm in the 2ww now, though I think the travelling and the cold I've been fighting off could possibly push O back a few days. We're getting some extra bding in, just in case. I know that's tmi but what can you expect;-)

Honestly, things have been good the last couple weeks. DS is really getting to be independent and cracks me up at least once a day. I love that little boy so much and I just have to focus on that. All else will sort itself out.

Quiet Days

2008-04-16T18:37:00.002-07:00

I can't believe I've had nothing to say for almost 2 weeks. Life's not that boring, really!

In a few days we're going to Disneyland. DS is so looking forward to meeting Mickey Mouse. He's become obsessed with Mickey! He's also tall enough to ride most of the rides:-) The kid is going to be in heaven. And I must admit I'm looking forward to this trip. It will be nice to have some time with DH and DS.

Another Guardian Angel

2008-04-03T18:26:00.002-07:00

I found out today that my great aunt, my favorite grandmother's sister, passed this morning. I'm so sad. She was a wonderful woman who stepped in and filled the gap when my grandmother passed away 20 years ago. She and my grandmother were very close. I hope that my grandmother was there to help her cross over - I'm sure she was. And now I can see them sitting at a table, having some coffee and laughing and laughing while they are catching up on all that has happened. No one in heaven will sleep tonight, lol.

I love you Auntie Louise!

Flashback

2008-04-01T15:25:00.003-07:00

Did you ever have one of "those" moments where you are happily plodding along at life and then you hear a song and WHAM!?

Well, I did this past weekend. I'm standing at the wedding reception on Saturday night and the dj plays a song that reminds me of an ex. It was "our song" and I have some how managed to avoid hearing it for over 10 years. So, I danced with DH;-)

Today, I had some extra time at the end of the day so I used one of the tools I have at one of my jobs and looked him up. Just for fun. From what I can tell he's married. What I find interesting, in a good way, is that I didn't have that gut jerking reaction I thought I would.

And, yes, I'm a little embarrassed to admit I looked him up. But hey, wouldn't you?

Family Time

2008-03-31T21:33:00.002-07:00

So we went to ABQ to help a friend of DH celebrate his wedding. It was a much better weekend than I thought it would be. The wedding was beautiful! DS actually did really well considering that his schedule was completely off.

The best part was being able to spend time with DH and DS. We had several days in a row without work or other commitments getting in the way. It was wonderful! I just wish it could have lasted a little longer. Ah, well. Next trip maybe.

I'm feeling very tired and am going to hit the hay now that I've gotten all my blog surfing done.

Balm for a Weary Soul

2008-03-21T18:50:00.002-07:00

It comes in many forms. For some people it's religion, for some it's sex, for some it's music, you get the idea.

For me, it comes in a little styrofoam cup and is called a chocolate cream pie shake. It's been a long couple of weeks and I needed that little bit of chocolaty goodness on a Friday night.

Catching Up

2008-03-18T18:40:00.002-07:00

It's been a really long week since my last post.

We had company come in from out of state. I like these people in small amounts of time but to have all of them staying in our little apt for 4.5 days was almost too much for me. Thank the stars I had to work most of the time! Any visit with them inevitably leads to at least one argument between me and DH. They are friends of his from way back and he tends to revert to his 18yo self around them. It makes me crazy and we had a knock down, drag out fight about it last week.

All is better now but we still have some underlying issues to deal with. I've been dragging my feet about it but we need to find "an impartial 3rd party" to talk to. I think we just need to learn how to fight constructively.

Then, add to that a potentially serious incident at work. I always worried about something like this happening. I've literally had nightmares about one of the animals involved. Luckily all safety measures worked like they were supposed to and no one got hurt - neither people or animals. It's the side of my job I don't like to dwell on, and I'm not even a "front line" responder in this kind of incident.

And today I get a call that one of the animals I spend time with every day passed away. He was young, only a year and a half, and so sweet - well, sweet for an otter. So playful and full of life. I'm numb and have a ton of questions, most of which may never be answered unfortunately. And, as a mother, I wonder if his mother is even aware of what has happened. They live together so I'm sure there is some kind of awareness that he's not there. I feel bad for her, and for his keepers.

So much sadness and stress in such a short time frame. Luckily I have a little clown of a DS to help get thru it. He's getting so big! He's now washing his own hair in the bath. He does a pretty good job of it too!

Long Time No Post

2008-03-10T19:49:00.002-07:00

To all my "avid readers", I must first say I'm sorry for disappearing for almost a month. Life, as it happens, gets in the way of even the best intentions of posting.

A belated birthday wish, and a couple of shout outs....

First, a VERY Happy 3rd Birthday to Thomas, one of our TTCGrads angels. I hope you and your Mommy and Daddy had a good day. I know they wish you were here celebrating with them. I think of you so often. You will never know how you have changed so very many people's lives.

Congrats to S, my fellow oldster, on making the 3T! I'm so flocking excited for you and M:-)

And a huge hug to N and J who have had a rough go lately.

Can you tell I'm just catching up on my blog-surfing?

As for me and how we are doing at our house, well, that's a post for another day. There's just too much and I'm too tired to rehash it right now. I'm off to see if I can talk DS into going to sleep.

Did You Know

2008-02-20T17:36:00.001-07:00

that you can't make a waiting room full of pregnant women disappear no matter how long you keep your eyes closed?

I think I've developed a pavlovian response to my obgyn's office. I wasn't in there five minutes today and I was bawling - again. Sigh!

Dinner Last NIght

2008-02-20T03:51:00.003-07:00

It's funny how, when you think you are doing great, you end up realizing you are nowhere near as great as you feel.

Last night DH took me out to dinner. Kind of a late valentine's day dinner. Anyway, we get there and all hell breaks loose. I'm not sure when it started exactly - probably when he decided to pick a fight over the stupid appetizer (as in which one he wanted). And it just got worse from there, culminating in the hostess seating a very pg woman and her family right across from us. I couldn't keep from crying. About the only good thing is, it wasn't an ugly cry. Now THAT would have been embarrassing. Luckily, at this point, we were about done anyway. I chose dessert and then we left.

Don't get me wrong, I love my DH. He just doesn't always seem to be able to get when it's not ok to have a fight - like in public when there's a waiter wanting to take our order.

How To Give Yourself A Headache

2008-02-16T19:56:00.003-07:00

I figured it out today - the best way to do this is to go to Babies R Us a week after you've had a d&c, just before lunch and take your hungry 4yo with you.

It's not that I'm a particularly sadistic person. I had to go shopping for a baby shower present for my cousin and his wife. I can't tell you how glad I was to get out of that store. I think I was out of there in record time. I just kept my head down and focused on the registry list. Actually, I did pretty well until I had to pick a card to go with the present. Then I lost it in the little card/wrapping paper section of the store. Not bad really, considering.

Oh, and the cure for said headache? A double-double with grilled onions, fries, a Dr. Pepper AND a chocolate milkshake;-)

Post D&C Update

2008-02-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm two days post d&c and "so far so good". I'm feeling ok, a little crampy but that's to be expected I guess.

Honestly, though we have talked about TTC again as soon as possible, I'm feeling a little gun shy. I'm sure that's also normal. I know I may be putting the cart before the horse but I can't help being very anxious about what will happen with the next pg. I mean, now the anxiety I feel walking into the u/s room is so very different than it was before. Before it was a happy anxious, now I feel dread just thinking about it.

I am going to start looking into accupuncture and TCM (traditional chinese medicine). I've got a couple of places I want to look into over the next couple of weeks. Even if it does nothing more than help me relax I'm sure that will help.

Coming to an End

2008-02-07T16:18:00.000-07:00

Well, the numbers are back from the last hcg - 6102 or something along those lines. They are dropping but very slowly. The test was 3 days after the one before it. Not much of a drop considering. So, given that and that I'm an emotional wreck we've decided to go ahead and do the d&c. It's scheduled for 12:45 tomorrow. I feel really confident that we've done all we can to be sure there's not a baby in there and am comfortable with this decision.

I really appreciate all the support I've gotten from my friends OL and IRL. You all mean so much to me!

Breakdown

2008-02-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

So I had my first public breakdown yesterday in the waiting room of the dr's office. My u/s appt was scheduled for 1:30 and I got there a little before to sign in. They'd just opened the office after lunch so there were just a couple people there besides me.

Right after I got there several very pg ladies came in. I just lost it. I started crying and couldn't stop. I cried thru the u/s and barely managed to compose myself while waiting to talk with the NP. When she came in I lost it again. I was supposed to meet with the dr but he was in a delivery (figures!) and wasn't going to make it in. I guess it was good in a way. I really like the NP. She's very sweet.

So we decided to run one more hcg to see what the numbers are doing. I should have those results in this afternoon. I'm thinking I want to go ahead and do the d&c. If yesterday afternoon was any indication of how things will be until this is over, I just want it over. It's not fair to DH and DS to put them thru any more of this. And it's not fair to me either.

The Numbers Are In

2008-02-05T09:30:00.001-07:00

and it's not looking good. My first draw was 6037 on Thursday and Saturday's was 6233. Not even close to where they should be as far as doubling and very very low considering I should be almost 9 weeks. I have another u/s scheduled for today and will meet with the dr afterward. I'll post again when I know more this afternoon.

Thanks again for all the support.

A Very Grey Day

2008-02-04T13:21:00.001-07:00

And I'm not just talking about the weather, although that's not helping my mood any. It's a very rainy day here and I could sure use a bit of sunshine to help pick up my spirits a little.

I haven't gotten the results of the bloodwork back yet. I called the dr's office just before noon but they didn't have them, or couldn't find them (I'm not sure which).

To top it off, I've discovered that I'm not doing as well hiding the stress as I thought. This morning I found a rather large mistake in some work I did late last week. It's not $$ thank goodness, and is fixable but it still bothers me. And now I'm sitting here at my desk, no energy or drive to continue working, no appetite though I've had very little to eat today and probably should eat something, and not able to control my emotions very well.

Poor DH is not sure what to do with me. I feel really bad for him.

Nothing But Empty Space

2008-01-31T20:20:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, it's not not good news. There was no heartbeat, nothing. Just an empty sac once again. It measured 6w2d but there wasn't anything there. I could tell before the u/s tech had even taken the u/s wand out that something wasn't right. She didn't say much to us and never turned the screen so I could see it.

Luckily DH was able to get away from work to meet me at the dr's office. I wasn't expecting him to be there, but am very glad he was.

We met with the dr after the u/s was over. He had a quant bloodtest done today and I'll go back on Saturday for a repeat to see what my numbers are doing. Depending on the results we'll either schedule another u/s for next week (hoping against hope) or a D&C. He gave us the option to just wait it out but if my body hasn't started the process by then, well I just want it to be over. I can't take the waiting and wondering much longer.

Honestly, I think the end is starting. My symptoms are much weaker than they were even a couple days ago. Still no spotting/bleeding as of now though.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and support. You have no idea what it's meant to me, and DH. So now I'll go and help my sweet little DS get in his jammies and we'll say a prayer for another little brother or sister who will never be with us except as an angel.

Crossed Fingers

2008-01-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

So my doc finally called me back. I did have to bug the office again this morning.

He started to give me the "well, it was most likely too early" speech. I explained to him that I've been temping and know pretty well when I O'd and I was concerned that the baby was measuring so far behind. He agreed it was not good that we didn't see a hb and said he would have his office call and set up another u/s. Not 10 min later the office called and we are set for 11:15 on Thursday the 31st.

Let's just hope there's good news at the end of this wait...

Not Good But Not Bad Either

2008-01-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

So, I had my u/s this morning. It didn't start off very well. I waited 20 min past my appt time with a full bladder. Talk about painful! OMG! I wasn't sure I was going to be able to walk when the tech finally came to get me.

So we get in the room and the tech starts pushing(yeah, that's right push on an extremely full bladder) to see what she can see. The screen was facing us so I could see what was going on. There was a sac but nothing in it. I started to panic but managed to hold it in until she could get a better look. She took some measurements and said 5w3d. More panic rising in my brain - I'm supposed to be almost 7 weeks!

Just to double check she decided to do a transvag u/s. Luckily for me she let me go pee and then out came the "dildo cam", as a friend so lovingly calls it;-) Again the same measurement - 5w3d. More panic and tears threatening to cut loose.

So she's given the pictures to the dr to read and now I'm waiting to hear from them on what the next step is. Hopefully another u/s in a week or so, just to see what baby is doing in there.

First Appointment

2008-01-17T19:57:00.000-07:00

So my first ob appt was pretty routine - paperwork and labwork.

I'll have an u/s on Tuesday the 22nd for dating purposes. Then we'll schedule additional testing for downs and other genetic issues after that. Typical stuff offered "older" moms.

I'm looking forward to the 22nd, to say the least!

Still Positive

2008-01-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

So the good news is, I'm still pg! My dr's office cancelled the appt for yesterday (didn't expect them not to) but they rescheduled for next Thursday, the 17th. I guess I can wait that long.

Oh, and I've managed to only pee on one more hpt so far. I've got two left so well see how long the will power lasts. LOL!

DH is still being cautious. He hasn't told anyone in his family, and neither have I. I want to wait until after the first appt and see how it goes.

A Late Christmas Present

2008-01-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

I'm in complete and utter shock right now. AF was due this morning, but didn't show. So, being the good little POAS addict I am, I pulled out the last test in the house and peed. This is a little blurry but you get the idea...

So, now the fear and anxiety of "is this a sticky baby" kicks in. DH is trying not to get his hopes up, just in case. I've still got that appt with the doc on Monday morning. I'll call them first thing and see if they want to keep it or reschedule for later. Honestly, I'm hoping to get in for some bloodwork at least but we'll see.

Happy New Year

2008-01-03T19:28:00.001-07:00

I'm a few days late but the sentiment is still there. I wish the best for all of you this year. May your fondest wishes and dreams come true.

We're starting the year off with some good news at our house. No, I'm not pg - yet! AF is due on Saturday and we just might have a shot at making next cycle count. My dr appt is on Monday so that would be just within the window if we develop and implement a plan right way.

The other good news is, DH may not end up leaving the country until the end of 2008. It will suck that he'll be gone for the holidays with no chance of him being home on R&R but that does give us two more months TTC before he leaves.

A thought just occured to me...am I as pathetic as I sound in that last paragraph? I mean really...

Side Tracked

2007-12-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

OK, so I got a little side tracked the last couple of weeks and didn't update from my last post.

I did finally get a call back from the dr's office. The gal on the phone couldn't, or more likely wouldn't, give me any specific numbers. Great! Just what I need, someone who plays by the rules. So I made an appt to meet with the dr on Jan 7. So, another cycle down the drain more than likely. Even if I O'd late this cycle and the doc just hands over a scrip on the 7th, it will most likely need to wait until the following cycle. Tick...tock...tick...tock...

I found out an interesting tidbit about my FIL this weekend. He is fully aware of temping and charting. I discovered this when he made a comment to DH about hoping that "that" is successful - as he pointed at my thermometer sitting on the nightstand. Hmmm.....

All in all, it was a good Christmas visit. DS had a fun time playing with his cousins and helping FIL take care of the animals. I just wish we could have stayed another day or two.

The Results Are In...

2007-12-12T10:08:00.000-07:00

and I'm "within normal range". OK....well at least they think I'm normal;-)

I've got a call in to find out actual numbers. I need to know exactly what I'm looking at here since we are talking about a range. That's just me, gotta know so I can pretend to be in control. I know I have a better chance of making it snow in Arizona but I can at least pretend!

Oh, and I got the ever popular piece of TTC advice this week - "You should just relax and stop trying so hard. You know you'll get pg if you just relax!" Can I tell you how hard it was not to dump gingerbread shake on my step mother (who has no kids by the way)! And then my ever so insensative DH says "That's what I keep saying". Geeze, thanks for the support there big guy. I know you have ultimate faith in your swimmers getting the job done but there is sooooo much more that could be the problem that has nothing to do with you!

So I ask you, do I sound normal to you?! I'm making myself crazy here. Maybe it is time to put the thermometer down and walk away....

Looking For A Plan

2007-12-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

So, AF has shown and I'm not pg - again. Not a real big surprise but disappointing none the less.

I made a call to my dr on Weds. They called back on Thursday and I explained the situation - not pg and a seriously shortened timeline - and they were very understanding. They wrote up the bloodwork order and I went in yesterday morning for a blood draw.

I don't know what's worse, waiting for the results to come back or the 2WW.

After DH came home from his appt at the VA earlier this week he told me he'd had an SA done. I hadn't even had to ask him, he just mentioned to the dr we'd been trying for a while. I don't know what the results were. I'm going to have DH get a copy sent to my dr. One less test we need to do in the future.

Goodbye To A Real Life Angel

2007-11-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

Today I was shocked and saddened to hear of the passing of an OL friend. She was a member of a ttc board that I spend time visiting and I got to know her and her DD there. She was such a sweet person, always willing to give a (virtual) hug when you needed it and a fantastic mommy. The truly sad part is that her DD is still very young and she had just given birth to her DS a few weeks ago.

Shortly after we had relocated temporarily back to WA, Christy contacted me because she too was new to that same area. We'd tried to find a time to get together but were never able to. I'm so very sad about this.

Goodbye Christy! We all love you and will miss you.

Note To Self

2007-11-24T03:22:00.000-07:00

When you think about getting a flu shot, it's best to do it right away. If you don't you won't get one and then you'll end up getting the flu.

As you might have guessed, I'm not feeling so hot. I made it thru work yesterday but the last couple hours were with a very upset stomach. I felt a little better after I ate some dinner but the nausea has returned. Of course that could also be from me having woken up at 1am and not being able to get back to sleep. I hate nights like this...or should I say mornings like this.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T12:35:00.001-07:00

What am I thankful for this year? So many things, not the least of which is DH's safe return from deployment. It's been tough readjusting but I'm grateful for being able to have to struggle with that rather than the alternative.

I'm thankful for good health for all of us, a couple of good jobs, family and friends, and especially for the cutest, sweetest little boy in the whole world (even if he is a bit of a grouch right now).

Oh, and BFPs for a couple of ladies who have worked long and hard to see those two pink lines. I hope you both are able to begin enjoying the miracle of growing those precious beans.

I Knew It

2007-11-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

Things have been going so well, really they have been. Until DH went to drill on Saturday. Then the other shoe, that damned shoe, dropped like I just knew (and dreaded) it would. His unit is on "warning" for deployment next summer.

Of course there is always the slightest possibilty that they won't have to go but with the current state of things, that's not very likely.

And so we wait, trying to keep things as normal as possible for DS while preparing for more time apart.

Oh, and need I mention that this puts a serious "hurry up" on our TTC timeline? No pressure...

Another Cycle

2007-11-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure what happened on Sunday but I've been thinking about it alot.

AF showed. Damn her and the crampy broom she rode in on! I can't begin to tell you how frustrating it was, especially given how perfectly we timed things last cycle. I dutifully used my OPKs, took my prenats, we bd when we were supposed to and got our timing just right and nothing. Well, nothing except phantom pg symptoms. Great! Just what I needed.

So, after I managed to get out of bed and showered, we piled into the car and sped off to church. I'm the first person to admit to not being the most religious person but it's important to DH. I can't exactly tell you why I stopped going to church, there are several reasons which I won't go into now.

But this Sunday I went. And I cried all thru mass. I don't know why but I couldn't get the tears to stop flowing. I found myself letting go of alot of my anger at God. And I've come to the decision that, while there are a number of things I don't have any control over, I've decided that I can and will do everything I can to be sure I give myself the best possible chance of getting pg within the next 12 mos. If it doesn't happen at least I can't say I didn't try.

New Dr Update

2007-11-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

So DS had his first appt with his new pediatrician. I really liked him, and more importantly so did DS. He came in and talked to DS before beginning the exam and was very patient when DS sidetracked us with showing off how smart he is. They had a poster with Mickey Mouse and the gang that encouraged counting. Without any prompting DS began showing me how many Mickey Mouses, how many Goofys, etc.

The only down side was that DS was behind on vaccinations so he had to get one, plus his flu shot. Poor kid was a little sore but after some walking around, some lunch and a little tylenol he was better. I always want to cry with him when he gets shots.

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

I have to say, there is nothing in this world like experiencing a holiday thru the eyes of a young child. This is especially true of your own child. Tonight we went over to a friend's house and went around their neighborhood with the dad's younger brother and sisters, as well as his 2yo son and infant daughter. It was nice, the neighbors were out and greeting each other, there were no worries.

Today was my son's first real halloween experience. He really and truly understood the concept of trick or treating, and enjoyed it. Not like last year when he kind of got it but was still a little shy about it. The pure joy on his face as he went from house to house was magic to watch.

Speaking of Doctors

2007-10-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been obsessed with drs.

I've been trying to get DS in to see his pediatrician with no luck. I originally wanted to be sure to get him his flu shot this year. No go with his ped, they are only giving shots to kids under 3yo. OK, fine, I'll take him somewhere else to get one. A few days later I'm reminded by his daycare that he needs to have his vaccinations updated. So again I call the dr and am told they won't just give him the shot because it's been more than a year since they've seen him (DUH!). Since his 4 year check is due soon anyway I asked to just schedule it a little early and do the vaccine then. Nope! They are booked until after the first of the year. What?! That's crazy! Every dr in a 5 person practice is booked until after January 1, 2008?!

So I began my search for a new ped. Luckily the other ped that came recommended to me is taking new patients and I can get DS in to see him next week!

In the midst of this fiasco I had my own annual exam to go to. It was the rescheduled appt from what was supposed to be my first prenatal check. I just have to say I love, love, love my ob/gyn. The entire office staff is really wonderful. My appt was with the nurse practitioner, whom I really liked already. We chatted about how things were going, DH being back, etc. And I lost it. Between sobs I explained about losing the baby. She was really wonderful. And I think she was a little upset that the office staff hadn't had me come in for bloodwork when I called about the bleeding starting. She immediately ordered bloodwork for me and they took it before I left the office. She promised to call me on Monday with the results.

Just What The Doctor Ordered - Kind Of

2007-10-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

I think this past weekend was just what we needed. DH, DS and I were able to get out of town for a little "vacation" to NM. Granted, it was because FIL was having surgery but luckily the surgery ended up only being a day surgery proceedure. He had his ankle pinned a while back and one of the pins broke last winter. The surgery on Monday was to take the broken pin out. OK, so it only took them a year to admit it needed to come out.

DH was able to reconnect with some of his buddies from NM and I think that did him a world of good.

It was also great for DS to be able to spend time with Grandpa J and Grandma J, as well as me and DH. We did all the fun things we could find to do, including the Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque. Absolutely beautiful. I highly recommend it if you are looking for something to do next fall.

Best of all, we were able to spend most of the weekend not thinking about last week. Until the very end of the visit with the IL when my FIL commented that he would like another grandchild. He doesn't know about the baby. We chose not to tell anyone beyond my sister and the sister DH is closest to. All I could do was smile and say "I know." And at that moment reality came crashing back in on me. Just for a moment or two. I don't know if DH heard the comment. If he did he didn't say anything to me about it.

Making Me Crazy

2007-10-12T15:32:00.000-07:00

Physically I'm doing ok. The bleeding has stopped and my body has figured out it's no longer pg. Mentally, though, I'm not sure.

Things have been pretty rough this week. DH was officially diagnosed with mild PTSD, which I could have told the dr. He's now on medication, which is good. I thought for sure he would resist but he took his first dose last night without me having to remind him. That's a good thing.

Now if only I could help him do something about the job he loves to hate. I swear, those people are out to make him crazy, and me in the process. It's amazing how all the "We're so glad you're back. We support you 100%. We'll help you get back into the swing of things." talk has evaporated like water in the desert. As soon as DH realized that he was no where ready to be thrown back into things they began to give him a hard time. I mean, let's not work to make the situation better so you will want to come back and stay on staff. Instead, let's throw every roadblock in your way and make it so you dread going to work and add more stress to your life. After all, the state is only experiencing a little short staffing issue when it comes to it's corrections facilites. They don't really need the officers they have to stay and be able to recruit others to work for the DOC, right?

Little Angel

2007-10-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

It wasn't meant to be. Last night I woke up with cramping at about 12:30. When I went to the bathroom I realized that I was bleeding. My worst fears come to reality.

I should have guessed this might happen. The BFP I got last week was not very dark.

So I went thru the motions today. It was very surreal, like someone else was doing things and I was just looking thru the holes that are the eyes. I'm tired and my whole body hurts. I don't know if that is normal or not, though I suspect it might be. I've never done this before, and quite honestly I don't want to do it again.

Luckily my DH is the sweetest man I know. This morning he held me while I cried (and I suspect he cried a little himself). He's taken on alot of caring for DS today, which has been nice. It does my heart good to see them together.

Dreams Coming True

2007-10-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

So, I realized that I forgot to update yesterday. I did POAS and it was BFP! It was faint but it was there. My temps have stayed up, and went up again this morning. My plan is to test again tomorrow morning and keep temping thru Monday or Tuesday. After that I'll put the thermometer away.

I told DH yesterday. I tried to be "cute" about it and send him a pic message at work but the picture didn't come out well. So I dressed DS in his "I'm the Big Brother" t-shirt and had him ask DH for some milk. When DH saw the shirt he was confused at first. It didn't take him long to figure it out though. LOL! I'm just relieved that he's happy.

My sister knows because she called me yesterday morning and asked me point blank. We'll tell the rest of our families after my first appt in a couple weeks.

OMG! We actually managed to get pg again. I was pretty much ready to admit defeat and move on. I'm going to be 39 this year. I know we are still in for a bit of a rollercoaster ride but we're ready.

Hopes and Dreams

2007-10-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

I can't begin to tell you how supremely excited I am for my fellow oldster. Her good news was indeed confirmed last Friday and her numbers look good again early this week. I'm wishing a happy and healthy pregnancy for you my friend! I can't say it enough;-)

My friend S is home with her DD and they are doing well. I spoke with her briefly yesterday to make sure she was home and to offer my help if she needs it.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring some wonderful news for our little family as well. I didn't dare hope that this cycle would be successful but it seems it just might. A nice high temp will be cause for me to POAS in the morning. Keep your fingers crossed!

Congratulations!

2007-09-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'm sending out a huge congratulations to my good friend S and her husband J. They are the proud parents of a bouncing baby girl, SaraBeth. SaraBeth came into this world today after many years of TTC and the frustration, heartache, and all the other things that go with it.

The only sobering thing about this wonderful day is that SaraBeth was born a singleton though she was conceived as a twin. Don't get me wrong, her parents are so grateful to have her. I know this because S and I talked about this just the day before yesterday. It just seems a little sad that her brother/sister did not make it this far.

Anyway, I would be remiss in mentioning that I'm super excited for another friend of mine. She also has had a long hard TTC road and I'm hoping that the path she is on will be taking a turn for a brighter future very very soon. Can't wait to see her chart tomorrow! I've got it all crossed for you my fellow oldster!!!

Lunch Conversation

2007-09-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I only had to work half a day so I picked up DH and we went for lunch together, and then did a little shopping. We haven't had a meal out like that for a long time - where it was just the two of us.

While we were waiting for our food we were talking about this that and the other thing - mostly about a potential trip to DLand in December with my sister, BIL and nephew. Somehow we got on the subject of another child and DH made a comment that he didn't think we'd have another one. Excuse me?! I didn't know he was feeling like that. I thought I was the one who was pessimistic about getting pg again. Every other time we talk about it he's always been more optimistic than that.

So this time it was me that had to say "We'll see what happens" and all the other trite things people say but never really mean. I know that time is running out on us. I hate feeling hopeless about this.

He's Normal!

2007-09-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

So today I had lunch with a co-worker who's DD is about 6 weeks older than DS. As we were talking, I asked if her DD was as chatty as my DS. She looked at me and said "OMG, yes!" The more we talked the more comfortable I began to feel that he really is normal. Whew!

Oh, and right now he's playing with his LeapFrog letters on the fridge. It's annoying but adorable!

Where's the Off Switch?!

2007-09-08T05:20:00.000-07:00

OK, don't get me wrong. I love my DS with all my heart and I'm glad that his verbal skills have improved so much lately. But OMG, please, someone tell me how on earth do I turn this kid's talking switch off?!

I'm not kidding! The kid will repeat the same thing at least twice after he's told me the first time. And if I don't answer each time he'll repeat it again.

I'm sure this is due to being in day care and having to compete with up to 20 other kids for the teacher's attention but man alive! It's wearing me out!

Other than that, though, his verbal skills have hit an entirely new level lately. He's having complete conversations with us now, some of which are initiated by him. Yesterday, for instance. He likes to have a snack in the car on the way to day care so he asked if he could have some grapes. I said yes and fixed him a little bowl to take with us. After we'd gotten on the road I realized we'd left the grapes at home. He looked a me and said "Let's turn around and go back and get them." After surpressing a laugh I told him we were running late and couldn't go back. He said "That's ok, I'll eat them when I get home." Then he proceeded to move on to the topic of "what's that out my window".

Each morning now we pass by one of the local high schools. Their football "stadium" is right on school grounds and we can see it from the road as we pass. DS calls it the football high school and insists he can go there because he's a bigger boy now. LOL! I told him he needs to be a little bigger before he can go to the football high school.

Deja Vu All Over Again

2007-09-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

So, we've moved and begun to settle into a "normal" routine as a family. It's a little hard right now because my mom is still here helping. And she's been a HUGE help, though she doesn't always see it that way.

DS is missing my dad and step mother something awful. He was asking for them last night. I promised him he could talk to them on the phone tonight after school.

DH has gone back to work. Nothing has changed out there. Guess that's a good thing.

I have started working again, at the same place I was before, only doing something different. It's a little frustrating because I don't have access to all the information I need to start really working. Hopefully by the end of the week.

Someone asked yesterday if I was glad to be back. The answer is yes! Even though it's 110 degrees, muggy as hell and I'm so tired. I'm glad to be back.

Sadness

2007-08-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

CK, I'm thinking of you. I know that today (Tuesday) is going to be incredibly difficult for you and your beloved. I just wanted you to know that I'll be sending PPT for you both. I hope this is the last time you have to endure this kind of torture.

Huge hugs for you both!

My Surprise This Week

2007-08-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have to just mention how surprised I am about something. In my job I work with alot of volunteers. They are the docents at our museum. The make up of this group is really wide ranging - from blue collar on the assembly line guys to upper management at the local airplane manufacturer, from teachers to doctors to CPAs. Their one common love - airplanes. Most, but not all, are retirees. They are an interesting cross section of people.

So this week I've been letting each shift of docents know that next week is my last week. Some seem surprised, some don't. All of them understand my reasons for leaving - keeping my family together. It's been very interesting to see even the gruffest, grumpiest of these guys soften just a little during out meetings this week. They remember what it's like and they sympathize.

Only once did I almost cry this week. I've become close to some fo these men and women. They are truly wonderful people, even if they can get a little grumpy at times.

It's funny, a couple months ago I was talking with my director and mentioning how I had become a little dissillusioned. I'd gone into this job expecting these docents to be like my own grandfather and they weren't. Well, I was wrong. They are just like my grandfather was. Each of them has the same determination that the story of their generation not be forgotten. And each of them has the determination that THEY not be forgotten and that they continue to be able to do something for their community. I'm just really glad they chose this particular museum to share with.

Back from the doctor...

2007-08-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

And today's appt was a monumental waste of $20. As soon as I got home from the doctor I had to pee and low and behold AF has made her appearance.

I can't say I'm not a little disappointed. It would have been nice to be pg. But I'm also being honest when I say I'm a little relieved. With all the uncertainty of moving, etc, this will give us time to get settled in.

CD 40 And Counting

2007-08-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

So, AF is still a no show. CD 40 is coming to a close. I'm not sure what to think. I've never had a cycle last this long, at least not when I'm not pg. I have an appt with the doctor tomorrow afternoon. I'm not sure what to expect. I guess I'm just hoping to have some kind of definitive answer - am I pg or not. Either way we can deal with it.

And to top it off, I've now got a head cold. I woke up with a stuffy nose this morning. Just what I need to make my life so much more fun.

The Mind Of A Child

2007-08-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me how much my DS has grown up over the last year. When we first moved in with my dad and step mother last summer, DS was very much still a baby - my baby. His verbal skills were a little behind, mostly because we all anticipated what he wanted so he never had to learn to ask for what he wanted. Now the child talks non stop! It's wonderfully frustrating.

His physical abilities have really come into sharp focus as well. Several months ago I bought a t-ball set for him to play with. Now he won't use the tee. He insists that you pitch to him, and he's a good hitter! I think I've lost more weight shagging baseballs for him than I did running after work. LOL! And he's now tall enough to see over the handle of the shopping cart at the grocery store when he's helping push - standing on the under cart shelf.

And just now, as he was watching Chicken Little, after the scene where Goosey Loosey tried to toss Chicken Little out of the gym window, he looked at me and said "Mommy, is it good to throw people out of the window?" The question took me by surprise! I'll admit I was blog stalking and not paying attention to the movie. Of course I ansered him that it wasn't because you could hurt someone, to which he nodded his head and said "Yeah, it's not nice."

Happy 2nd Birthday Ryan!!

2007-08-09T07:38:00.001-07:00

I'm sending many hugs to your Mommy and Daddy. I hope they are able to find some peace today. We'll be singing Happy Birthday to you and having cake in your honor tonight.

Sorry to leave you hanging!

2007-08-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

So, I POAS (twice in one day!) and it was BFN. So, I'm still sitting here, waiting for AF to show. If she doesn't show by Friday I'll POAS again. Interestingly, the feeling that she is going to come has just gone away. I don't have any IPS to speak of, just some off and on nausea that is easily controlled by having a snack.

On another note, I turned in my resignation at work today. We are headed back to the desert southwest in a couple weeks. I've spent the last couple days researching how we'll get there, places to live, and day cares for DS. I've narrowed down the search to two places to live and a couple of options for day care. Wish me luck deciding.

Still Waiting

2007-08-05T15:01:00.000-07:00

So, I survived the week from hell at work. I have to say, as exciting as it is to have the Blue Angels in town, I can honestly say I'll be glad to have them gone. It's made things crazy at work.

As for my temper tantrum from last week, well, there's been no resolution on that front. I'm no closer to seeing a visit from AF now than I was last Tuesday. I'm going to POAS in the morning. I've about come to terms with the idea of not being PG - and the idea that I just might be PG! I have to say, as much as I really want another baby the thought of being pg while dealing with moving, etc is a little daunting. I'll survive, others have done it so I can too. I may not be sane but I can do it!

Little Green Monster

2007-07-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

So the little green monster has reared it's ugly head again. On Monday my sister told me she is pg. She got her BFP that morning. I'm happy for her but so disappointed and sad for myself. I really want to be pg. What a loser, eh? I can't even be truly happy for my sister. It's not like it's another younger cousin or something. What is wrong with me?! God PMS is such a pain in the ass. I know that's what is feeding this - magnifying it so that I become this whiny, miserable excuse for a sister. OK, and the exhaustion of spending all day with very very active 6 and 7 year olds.

Sigh! Time to go hide out and wait for AF to bring sweet relief from this hormonal yuckiness.